Odessa resident and man of the world Mikhail Mikhailovich Zhvanetsky is a recognized classic of the conversational genre, overshadowing the current popular stars of stand-up comedy. The secret of his popularity is simple: he describes our life - sharply, accurately, brilliantly. His quotes go viral. Therefore, wherever Russian is understood, it draws full houses. Michal Mikhalych has many well-known miniature monologues - “How they joke in Odessa”, “Meeting at the liquor store”, “Fine, Grigory” etc. In order not to take up your time, we will remind you – selectively – best quotes from his works over the years.
The classic happened to be born on March 6th - so we start with a selection of thoughts about a woman...
— A scandal does not spoil a woman, it refreshes her!
“Women can be such lovely fools and terrible fools!”
“And the fact that they kiss you doesn’t mean anything, and the fact that they marry you doesn’t mean anything.” All your life you will think that she loves you, and she will tell you this, and you will not know the truth, and you will live happily...
— From the human side, I really like memory. From an animal - hearing. Of the body parts - the head. Then the eyes. Then the legs. For women it’s the opposite.
About men
- The ideal man is the one who is loved.
“Nothing makes a man look younger like stupidity.”
Smart, then?..
- In some, both hemispheres are protected by the skull, in others - by pants.
- A bald spot is a clearing trampled by thoughts.
- All people are brothers, but not all are wise.
About the state
- We had socialism with an inhuman face - and capitalism turned out to be some kind of wild ass.
“We never saw the right course, only the right one.”
“Our freedom is like a traffic light with three lights on at once.
— Politicians are people who rose from the bottom, but did not reach the surface.
— A nation is a bouquet of different flowers, pulled together by border guards.
About career
- If you have successful work, then sometimes you can rest. And if your work is very successful, then you never rest.
- You don’t sleep all day, don’t eat all night - of course you get tired!
About love
- It was such love - it hung on him like an apron, he only tolerated it while eating.
“The worst of us are children of sex, the best of us are children of love.”
- They merried. He is German. She's Russian. They communicate in English. Both speak it poorly. That's why they never fight. Everyone thinks long before speaking.
About age
— What is 80? - this is the right to kiss a woman without her consent and without your hope.
— In old age, when you need more time, they offer you more money.
— Experience is the past, wisdom is the future.
— You must be able to distinguish between mood and well-being.
— Wisdom does not always come with age. It happens that age comes alone.
About talent
— To be heard, you need a protest. To be remembered, you need talent.
“What I love about mediocre people is their courage, their courage, their clear political orientation, their clear views and great passion. I just hate their performance.
— With an ordinary artist, you look at a beauty. For a great artist, she looks at you.
“It’s not enough to know your worth—you also have to be in demand.”
— Now the time has come when the accompaniment performs solo concerts. And the songs are close in meaning to rock paintings.
About life
- To the question: “How are you living?” - he howled obscenely, got drunk, punched the questioner in the face, banged his head against the wall for a long time, and, in general, avoided answering.
“Whatever you do with a man, he stubbornly crawls into the cemetery.”
— Real loneliness is when you talk to yourself all night and no one understands you.
— A decent person can be easily recognized by how clumsily he does mean things.
- What is our life: if you don’t get used to it, you’ll die, if you don’t die, you’ll get used to it.
- Megalomania does not require greatness - mania is quite enough.
“I’ve adjusted and am watching the news from three days ago.” And I think: “Lord, how bad it was three days ago!”
“What is most difficult for a person is what is not given to him.”
“It’s better for them to laugh at you than to cry.”
- What a pity that you are finally leaving...
“Nothing hurts a person more than fragments of his own happiness.”
“There’s no shame in digging through trash.” It's a shame to be happy about this.
“I used to worry about the thought that I might be forgotten.” But today the thought that they might remember me worries me.
“If someone appears ready to move mountains, others will definitely follow him, ready to break his neck.”
“Only on your birthday will you find out how many unnecessary things there are in the world!”
— You want everything at once, but you get nothing gradually
— When money disappears, people appear...
A long live line is better than a short automatic line.
Better a belly from beer than a hump from work.
It's better to laugh at you than to cry.
It is better to remain silent and seem like a fool than to speak up and leave no doubt about it.
It is better to make love with difficulty than to make love with labor.
It's better to be covered in sweat seven times than frost once!
It's better to have lunch without an appetite than to have an appetite without lunch.
Better a small dollar than a big thank you.
One head is good, but with a body it’s better.
Aphorisms of Mikhail Zhvanetsky - part 2
The pedestrian is always right. Still alive.
He was crossing the street at a red light and was hit by an oncoming pedestrian.
Any car will last you for the rest of your life if you drive hard enough.
I drive too fast to worry about cholesterol!
Since I started driving, I have become more careful when crossing the road.
The main thing is not to cross the street into the next world.
Don't drive faster than your guardian angel can fly.
There is a genius sleeping within each of us. And every day it gets stronger...
Learning is light, and ignorance is pleasant twilight.
It’s so difficult to think, that’s why most people judge.
Aphorisms of Mikhail Zhvanetsky - part 3
All people are brothers, but not all are brothers.
Wisdom does not always come with age. It happens that age comes alone.
A bald spot is a clearing trampled by thoughts.
A thought is only a thought when it is thought with the head.
What is most difficult for a person is what is not given to him.
You want everything at once, but you get nothing gradually.
Everything is going well, just passing by...
It's a shame when your dreams come true for others!
It’s not enough to know your worth—you also need to be in demand.
It's hard to make history, but it's easy to get into trouble.
Well, you hit the wall with your head... And what are you going to do in the next cell?
How difficult it is to crawl with your head held high!
To start from scratch, you still have to climb a long way to get there.
A pessimist is walking down the street, followed by two optimists in civilian clothes...
An optimist believes that we live in the best of all possible worlds. The pessimist is afraid that
the way it is.
The lottery is the most accurate way to count the number of optimists.
If you add up a dark past with a bright future, you get a gray present.
If a person knows what he wants, it means he either knows a lot or wants little.
If a person cannot be bought, then he can be sold.
If someone appears ready to move mountains, others will surely follow him, ready to break his neck.
If you're arguing with an idiot, he's probably doing the same thing.
If your relatives or friends don’t call you for a long time, then everything is fine with them.
If you get your ass licked, don't relax - it's lubricant!
The best alibi is to be a victim.
You can't stop living beautifully. But you can interfere...
By the time you measure seven times, others will already be cut.
It’s not enough to find your place in life, you have to find it first.
There is always a place for heroic deeds in life. You just need to stay away from this place.
The more I look in the mirror, the more I believe Darwin.
They learn from their mistakes, and make a career from others.
To save a drowning person, it is not enough to extend your hand - you need him to offer his own in return.
Positive emotions are emotions that arise if you put everything...
I remember in ’43 my legs hurt so much!.. but I bought ’45 and it was fine.
The crew bids you farewell and wishes you a pleasant flight....
I would like to die like my grandfather - in his sleep... And not like his passengers - screaming in horror.
Don't tell me what I need to do and I won't tell you where you need to go.
An idealist is someone who, noticing that a rose smells better than cabbage, concludes that soup made from it will be better...
So that I can see you on crutches, and you can see me with one eye!
Kalashnikov answering machine.
Of two evils, I choose the one I haven’t tried before...
The wind blew so strong that cigarettes were thrown out along with your teeth...
Microbes slowly crawled over Lefty's body, hardly dragging the horseshoes behind them...
The one who finds the exit is trampled first
What roof doesn't like driving fast?
Every person is right in his own way. But in my opinion no.
In the beginning there was the Word.... However, judging by how events developed further, the Word was unprintable.
How quickly time flies: you don’t even have time to wake up and you’re already late for work.
All the greats have died long ago, and I’m not feeling well either...
Born to crawl, he can crawl everywhere.
He went to bed and slept as hard as he could.
And then he took a knife and shot himself.
What they fertilized is what grew.
It’s good not just where we are not, but where we have never been!
A person's character can be judged by how he behaves with those who cannot be of any use to him, as well as with those who cannot fight back.
Whenever I remember that God is just, I tremble for my country.
I have infinite respect for the monstrous choice of my people.
There are three reasons for no-show: forgot, drank or scored.
And the wolves are fed, and the sheep are safe, and the shepherd has eternal memory.
The highest degree of embarrassment is two glances meeting through a keyhole.
In some, both hemispheres are protected by the skull, in others - by pants.
Vasilisa the Beautiful hit the ground and broke to hell.
What a pity that you are finally leaving...
Came - thank you, left - thank you very much...
Never exaggerate the stupidity of your enemies and the loyalty of your friends...
Nothing hurts a person more than the fragments of his own happiness.
Only on your birthday do you find out how many unnecessary things there are in the world.
People are divided into those who can be relied on and those who need to be trusted.
Good always defeats evil, which means whoever wins is good.
Fortune smiles on the brave... And then laughs at them for a long time!!!
No need to run from a sniper, you'll just die tired
Citizens! Fly with Aeroflot planes! Hurry up! There are very few of them left.
Should I help you or not interfere?
Sorry, I'm saying when you interrupt.
Laughing for no reason is a sign that you are either an idiot or a pretty girl.
A well-mannered man will not reprimand a woman who does not carry a sleeper well.
In the questionnaire that I filled out before the operation, there was a question: who to call in case of emergency.... I wrote: to a more qualified surgeon...
He doesn't have a face, but an object for intramuscular injections
You don’t sleep all day, don’t eat all night – of course you get tired...
Friends are known in trouble, if, of course, you can find them.
A clear conscience is a sign of poor memory.
Frivolity is feeling good at your own peril.
They greeted me based on my clothes and greeted me poorly too...
Everything in this world is relative. For example, the length of a minute depends on which side of the toilet door you are on.
Scientists at Harvard University have found that white mice reproduce much better if they are not disturbed by scientists at Harvard University.
My child looks like his mother... He screams loudly, piercingly! But my eyes are guilty, running...
The most unfortunate animal is the octopus. He has legs from his ears, and arms from his ass, and his ass itself has ears.
- What a wonderful child you have! Is it a cute boy or a scary girl?
The last words of the two lion tamers: "How? I thought YOU fed them!?!"
Megalomania does not require greatness, but delusion is sufficient.
It's hard to be the last bitch - there's always someone behind you!
Some look brave because they are afraid to run away.
Life is like a piano: the key is white, the key is black... the lid.
The idea came to his mind and now his brain is persistently searching for it.
A decent person can be easily recognized by how clumsily he does mean things.
Each person is the smith of his own happiness and the anvil of someone else’s.
A lot of good people in the world... But in the next world there are more of them...
The "Eva" costume suits her very well, it just needs some trimming here and there.
No matter how much you steal from the state, you still won’t get yours back!
Did you know that a thrifty housewife cuts meat for... festive table very thin slices? And the cunning guest eats them five at a time.
– How much does a person need to be completely happy? - Few! But only so that others have even less...
The best alibi is to be a victim. Better a small dollar than a big thank you. It's better to have lunch without an appetite than to have an appetite without lunch.
It's better to be covered in sweat seven times than frost once!
A long live queue is better than a short machine gun queue.
It is better to make love with difficulty than to make love with labor.
The pedestrian is always right. Still alive.
The main thing is not to cross the street into the next world.
You can't stop living beautifully. But you can interfere...
Don't drive faster than your guardian angel can fly.
He was crossing the street at a red light and was hit by an oncoming pedestrian.
I drive too fast to worry about cholesterol!
Any car will last you for the rest of your life if you drive hard enough.
What they fertilized is what grew.
All people are brothers, but not all are brothers.
Better a belly from beer than a hump from work.
A bald spot is a clearing trampled by thoughts.
Learning is light, and ignorance is pleasant twilight.
A thought is only a thought when it is thought with the head.
It’s not enough to know your worth - you also need to be in demand.
If your relatives or friends don’t call you for a long time, then everything is fine with them.
It's hard to make history, but it's easy to get into trouble.
How difficult it is to crawl with your head held high!
One head is good, but with a body it’s better.
It's a shame when your dreams come true for others!
They learn from their mistakes, and make a career from others.
The lottery is the most accurate way to count the number of optimists.
A well-mannered man will not reprimand a woman who does not carry a sleeper well.
The highest degree of embarrassment is two glances meeting through a keyhole.
Kalashnikov answering machine.
Everything is going well, just passing...
It's better to laugh at you than to cry.
By the time you measure seven times, others will already cut.
What is most difficult for a person is what is not given to him.
It’s not enough to find your place in life, you have to find it first.
If a person knows what he wants, it means he either knows a lot or wants little.
And then he took a knife and shot himself.
If a person cannot be bought, then he can be sold.
There is a genius sleeping within each of us. And every day it gets stronger...
It is so difficult to think, that is why most people judge.
The more I look in the mirror, the more I believe Darwin.
To start from scratch, you still have to climb a long way to get there.
Well, you hit the wall with your head... And what will you do in the next cell?
Microbes slowly crawled over Lefty’s body, hardly dragging the horseshoes behind them...
The one who finds the exit is trampled first!
Of two evils, I choose the one I haven’t tried before...
No need to run from the sniper, you'll just die tired.
The crew bids you farewell and wishes you a pleasant flight...
There are many good people in the world... But there are more of them in the next world...
Nothing hurts a person more than the fragments of his own happiness.
There is always a place for heroic deeds in life. You just need to stay away from this place.
Positive emotions are emotions that arise if you put everything...
What roof doesn't like driving fast?
Came - thank you, left - thank you very much...
Every person is right in his own way. But in my opinion no.
So that I can see you on crutches, and you can see me with one eye!
All the greats have died a long time ago, and I’m also not feeling well...
Never exaggerate the stupidity of your enemies and the loyalty of your friends...
I remember in ’43 my legs hurt so much!.. but I bought 45 and it’s fine..
To save a drowning person, it is not enough to extend your hand - you need him to offer his own in return.
What a pity that you are finally leaving...
Born to crawl, he can crawl everywhere.
They greeted me based on my clothes and greeted me poorly too...
The idea came to his mind and now his brain is persistently searching for it.
I have infinite respect for the monstrous choice of my people.
In some, both hemispheres are protected by the skull, in others - by pants.
Friends are known in trouble, if, of course, you can find them.
The wind blew so strong that cigarettes were thrown out along with your teeth...
He doesn't have a face, but an object for intramuscular injections
Fortune smiles on the brave... And then laughs at them for a long time!
Frivolity is feeling good at your own peril
Megalomania does not require greatness, but delusion is sufficient.
Good always defeats evil, which means whoever wins is good.
Only on your birthday do you find out how many unnecessary things there are in the world.
Laughing for no reason is a sign that you are either an idiot or a pretty girl.
People are divided into those who can be relied on and those who need to be trusted.
The “Eva” costume suits her very well, it just needs some trimming here and there.
Some look brave because they are afraid to run away.
Life is like a piano: the key is white, the key is black... the lid.
He went to bed and slept as hard as he could.
