Sex in a relationship is important, as are emotional conversations, romance, and joint resolution of everyday issues. But sometimes problems arise in relationships, which is why intimate life collapses in the first place. In this article we will tell you how to persuade your wife to have sex, why a beloved and once passionate woman avoids intimacy and refuses it.
Introduction
The main problem in a relationship, why a woman loses all interest in sex, is dissatisfaction with sex. Unlike men, who can immediately tell whether they feel pleasant or not during intercourse, representatives of the fair sex sometimes manage to deceive their partner, imitating pleasure and orgasm. But the game of one goal cannot continue for long, because the woman begins to feel inferior and dissatisfied.
Sex allows you to throw out accumulated energy, relax and protect yourself from worldly worries, but in most cases, girls just have to endure, please their husband, but receive nothing in return.
Serious problem
When a husband and wife have problems in bed, they must be resolved immediately, because this is evidence that the marriage is beginning to collapse. Of course, sex is not the main thing, but intimate life is important in a relationship. Firstly, because this is a way to trust each other, and the absence of tenderness, caresses and touches indicates that a thick wall arises between husband and wife that cannot be broken through. Secondly, sex life is a great way to get away from all everyday problems, relax and enjoy each other’s warmth. In other words, simple coitus should not overshadow romance, conversations, joint activities and attention, but at the same time it should not be forgotten or ignored.
Main reasons
- Problems between husband and wife arise when a representative of the fair sex feels unsatisfied. In this case, both can be to blame. The husband, because he does not seek to give pleasure to his beloved, but only demands attention to himself. The wife, because she doesn’t want to become more feminine and sexy, choosing old grandmother’s leggings, washed underwear and stretched T-shirts that tell a treacherous story about what the girl cooked for dinner.
- Your wife is really tired. Men tirelessly like to repeat that the 21st century has removed all obligations from a woman, and all that remains for her is to sit on social networks and enjoy a soft sofa. But even the presence of a dishwasher and washing machine does not save a girl from raising children, preparing dishes, solving everyday issues, because most men limit their activities only to work and reproaches that the fair sex has nothing to get tired of.
- When you and the girl first met, the relationship between you flared up with a bright flame, and after some time the fire began to fade. What's the matter? Perhaps you no longer excite your beloved. Analyze how your lifestyle has changed, appearance and a zest for life. If a few years ago you couldn’t live a day without training, you could stay up at night, rave about your dream, make it come true, but now, perhaps, you have acquired a small beer belly, and all that interests you is going to the bar, computer games and lazy household chores. This does not excite women, because a relationship is when a couple develops together, and if this does not happen, then one will definitely begin to suffer.
In fact, there are many reasons why a wife refuses to have sex. This could be the birth of a child, when the new mother cannot even think about intimacy on a psychological level, as well as a serious quarrel or betrayal, or the appearance of a third person in the relationship. But one thing is clear: when excuses or reproaches appear that men only need sex, then it’s time to seriously understand the problems, because no career, everyday problems, financial troubles cannot interfere with healthy and fulfilling relationships.
Method 1. Give her romance
Give your loved one an unforgettable evening, surround her with attention and make her the center of a small family celebration so that you both forget about all worldly worries. Sometimes women really miss a surprise candlelit dinner at home, a relaxing massage, or going to a concert of her favorite band.
You should not expect that simple romantic music will liberate your loved one, especially after long absence sex. You may not be able to get what you want because the woman will only begin to relax. To rekindle the fire of passion, it is necessary to surround him with attention and care more than once. And this doesn’t sound mercantile or selfish, because many men don’t understand that lack of intimacy is a global problem that affects the deepest corners of your soulmate’s soul.
It is important to understand that you need to arrange a romantic date with your wife at a convenient moment for her: not after a long and exhausting work week, not after a hard day spent with small children, not during illness. Do you want to do something nice? Prepare your wife for a family event in advance: send the children to grandma or hire a nanny, help her quickly cope with all household chores so that your beloved does not think about the abyss of problems in which she gets stuck more and more every day. After such romantic music, a fragrant dinner, a clean apartment, well-groomed children, a pleasant and the right gift will do their job.
Method 2. Have a heart-to-heart talk
Usually the problem of lack of sex arises in people who have crossed the 35-year mark. In such cases, a man may hear that a woman’s career and children are now more important, but not intimacy. In most cases, the answer to this problem is that the woman is simply no longer attracted to her husband. At the beginning of the relationship, she was in love, perhaps she believed in perfect life after marriage and hurried to make any important decisions, but years later the passion passed, and instead came awareness.
In this case, the couple should have a heart-to-heart talk, without hiding anything from each other. Tired of classic sex? Add some color, these could be toys, stimulating lingerie, role-playing games and even intimate threesomes. Try and experiment, don’t be afraid to trust each other and step over your principles in order to bring back the former fire in the relationship.
Method 3. Auxiliary means
It happens that a couple lacks that cherished spark to re-experience each other’s passion and desire. In this case, an erotic film for two will help. At night, turn on your favorite recording, you can complement the pleasant atmosphere with candles, aroma oils with the scent of patchouli or ylang-ylang, or a hot bath. A gentle massage and a glass of hot wine helps to relax and put the girl at ease.
Of course, before persuading your wife to have sex in this way, it is necessary to discuss what genre of erotic film should be included. Don't be shy if your loved one likes BDSM or videos with multiple girls.
Method 4. Pay attention to health
As a rule, when a wife begins to look for love and tenderness on the side. But first of all, it is worth understanding the true reasons for such coldness. Often the problem is solved by going to a gynecologist or endocrinologist, prescribing certain medicines.
How to persuade a wife to have sex, who refuses not only sex, but also ordinary caresses? Contact a sexologist, undergo a full medical examination, pass everything necessary tests and convince your beloved that this is necessary not only for the sake of increasing libido and desire, but also for her physical and psychological health. Usually the reason lies in the endocrine system and gynecology. For example, this may be due to chronic infectious diseases, inflammation of the ovaries, cysts and neoplasms, hormonal imbalance. Of course, many tests are carried out only for a fee, but your wife’s body will thank you for the help and support provided.
Method 5. Psychological support
Before you learn how to persuade your wife to have sex, you need to understand why your beloved refuses sex. The reason may be psychological and emotional problems that have disturbed the peace of mind of the fair sex.
Find out what is bothering your loved one. Perhaps she has complexes about her appearance and is embarrassed to go to the gym, or is worried about financial troubles in the family, lack of attention from her husband and children, due to a conflict at work or pressure from the director.
Method 6. Psychological help
If talking doesn’t help, as do manipulations, quarrels and reproaches, then it’s time to contact a family psychologist. There are now enough specialists, especially qualified ones, to get to the truth and eradicate the problem.
As mentioned above, sometimes the refusal to have sex hides not just a revision of values and a reference to fatigue, but a much more serious problem. After the first sessions, the psychologist will be able to detect the problem and suggest ways to solve it. But even here it is very important that the husband and wife unite and become one. In order for a specialist to really help, a couple needs to open their souls without embarrassment, entrusting even their most intimate secrets and emotional experiences to a stranger. And when solutions are found, the husband and wife must make every effort to return the former passion to the relationship.
Method 7. Eternal conflicts
Many men wonder how to persuade their wife to have sex after a quarrel. The answer is simple: no need to persuade. If you feel guilty, then first of all you should apologize, both mentally and sensually.
In most cases, a woman refuses sex because she simply lacks affection. Men, as a rule, are ready to attack their spouse, avoiding gentle touches, passionate kisses, languid glances. Do you want to get the coveted night? Turn on romantic music, start with a hug and take your time. You must completely relax both yourself and the woman. Feel your bodies, breath, voice, vibrations.
Important information
Women who so often reproach their men must accept one truth: sex is not only a need of the body, not an exercise to maintain health, not the whim of the chosen one, and certainly not his concern. Sex is an important element of relationships, as are affection, tenderness, and romance. Without intimacy, which can mean not only intercourse, but also quiet heart-to-heart conversations for many hours, a strong family cannot be built.
When a woman refuses a man, these are the first alarm bells that some problems have arisen. Perhaps it is worth reconsidering your attitude towards each other, towards yourself, everyday life, children, becoming less conservative and getting rid of hypocrisy in order to regain your former passion.
The birth of a child is always a miracle. Today, doctors recommend that married couples take a thorough and serious approach to the desire to have a child. It is necessary to prepare for future changes even before conception. In addition, it is important to be examined by specialists in advance.
The main stages of preparation for pregnancy
Preparing for conception and throughout pregnancy consists of the following stages:
- Psychological readiness.
- Correction of chronic diseases.
- Proper nutrition and weight correction.
- Fight bad habits.
- Ultrasound and other tests.
- Elimination of negative household and production factors.
Psychological readiness
First of all, preparation for conceiving a child of a man and a woman begins with a psychological factor. Spouses must be psychologically prepared and ready for the conception and birth of a child. It is important for future parents to understand that the birth of a baby will completely change their lifestyle. They will have to devote most of their time to the child. You will probably have to give up traveling and noisy parties. A woman has to sacrifice her career.
It is important for a man to understand in advance that after the birth of the baby his wife will not be able to devote the same amount of time to him as before.
Both will have new troubles and worries. If the spouses are ready for this kind of change and agree to make certain sacrifices, they can begin the next steps of preparing for conception and pregnancy.
Treatment of chronic diseases
Before conception, and even more so during pregnancy, it is very important not to forget about your chronic diseases. Nowadays, a successful pregnancy is possible in the presence of diseases such as diabetes, epilepsy, kidney disease. If you have a serious chronic illness, please consult your healthcare provider before conceiving. The doctor will help you choose safe medications to combat the disease that will not harm the fetus. In some cases, experts suggest simply reducing the dose and frequency of medications already used.
Controlling your diet
Before conceiving, the expectant mother should understand that she will need to eat right throughout her pregnancy. A woman’s diet should be balanced and at the same time complete. healthy eating- Very important factor for the successful development and growth of the fetus inside the mother.
It is important to determine which foods are acceptable and required to be consumed during pregnancy, and which ones are best avoided.
During this special period, it is equally important to drink enough fluids daily.
Here is a list of products that are best avoided during this wonderful period:
Along with this, you should consume chocolate, unboiled milk, canned foods, oatmeal and semolina, exotic fruits and vegetables, as well as citrus fruits and nuts.
Controlling your weight during pregnancy is also very important. Pregnant women often experience increased appetite. Therefore, it is recommended to carefully monitor your diet. Experts advise following this calculation:
- In the first half of pregnancy, the mother’s daily diet should not exceed 2200 kilocalories. This is the standard daily nutritional intake for a woman who is not on a diet.
- In the second half of pregnancy, indicators can be increased to 2500 kilocalories.
By gradually increasing your performance, you will be able to stay in shape even in this position. Overweight is as harmful during pregnancy as malnutrition.
Fighting bad habits
All preparations begin with giving up bad habits. The most common of these is tobacco and alcohol. Moreover, both spouses must actively fight these bad habits. For female body tobacco is very harmful. You should give up smoking and alcohol long before your planned pregnancy. If your husband smokes, he needs to quit bad habit two or even three months before conception. Tobacco often causes miscarriages and changes the DNA structure of sperm.
Alcohol is no less harmful . Its excessive use even before pregnancy can contribute to the occurrence of delays in mental development.
Full body examination
One of the main stages in preparing for conception and pregnancy is visiting a certain type of specialist. So, to the expectant mother during the examination You need to visit the following doctors:
During the examination, tests are prescribed to detect herpes or rubella. Also, when preparing and planning pregnancy, the following tests are required:
- Blood test for thyroid hormones.
- Blood clotting test.
- Take a vaginal smear. It will determine the state of the microflora.
- Do an ultrasound of the thyroid gland and pelvic organs.
- Testing for HIV, AIDS and hepatitis.
- Scraping of the cervix.
Based on the results obtained, specialists will provide further recommendations and prescribe the necessary medications. Often prescribed vitamins of different categories. Vitamins themselves strengthen the immune system and reduce the risk of new diseases. For example, folic acid promotes the successful formation of the fetal brain. Ascorbic acid actively fights bacteria and relieves inflammation. Sports and yoga are useful.
Negative household and production factors
Those who work for hazardous industries, most often experienced by themselves Negative influence pesticides and other harmful elements. When planning a pregnancy, a woman should leave this type of work. Close contact with such objects is contraindicated for women planning motherhood.
Overexertion is no less dangerous for the health of the mother and the unborn child. You can get it not only in production, but also at home. Some parents start renovating their children's room during pregnancy. Repair work It is advisable to carry out before the desired changes occur. It is important for a woman to protect herself from this kind of hard work.
Girls are mysterious creatures, they have their own quirks. Yesterday your significant other was all upset, today she is already having fun, and tomorrow - who knows what she will be like tomorrow.
However, no matter what happens in a woman’s head, her mistress still remains a tender, sentimental, vulnerable person. If any event/activity is planned, you need to know how to prepare a girl to such a plot twist that there are no unpleasant surprises.
Take your time
It’s better not to put things off until the last moment, but you shouldn’t rush, so as not to make people laugh, as one famous proverb says. First, think about how the girl might react to your decision/news, be it a statement that you need to break off the relationship, or the news that your mother is coming to your home to stay. In this case, does something depend on it or are there some external forces that it cannot influence? Will she cope on her own? Will she need help? You definitely need to answer these questions for yourself, and then draw the appropriate conclusions.
Explain from a rational position
For girls, feelings usually play the “first fiddle”; they easily succumb to them, so it is necessary to explain how significant this or that event is from a rational position. This way there will be a greater chance that your listener’s mind will override her feelings. Put everything on your shelves for her: what, how, where, when and why.
Put pressure on feelings
If your reasoning does not prevail over your feelings, then you need to act differently. Pressure on feelings Women do it best, but what can you do - you should learn this technique too. If this is not useful in life, then it will not be superfluous either. Show what pain the current situation can bring, and also tell how you want to get out of it.
How to prepare a girl for first sex
If we are talking about how to prepare a girl for first sex, we must remember that any pressure is contraindicated, since the effect can be the opposite. The guy should do the opposite - Provide every possible support to the girl, be as delicate as possible. She may be stopped from first intimacy by fear of pain. I must say that a lot depends on you. Be as gentle and restrained as possible - then your partner will only enjoy the first sex. AND don't forget about trust V
Many experts call this phase a stage, others - the majority of them today - consider it a legal and integral part of sexual intercourse. The point is that, although at this stage penetration and no, no woman - even a fantastically temperamental one - can enter into intimacy without words, caresses, stroking and touching. Of course, there are women so excitable that a minimum of words and affection is enough for them, but this is still necessary. Therefore, the expression “foreplay”, common 20-30 years ago, is practically not used by specialists today, and the beginning of sexual intercourse is counted precisely from the arousal phase.
Most men don’t need words, touches or strokes - just the sight of a naked (or better half-naked!) partner gives us an erection. But this is the interaction between a man and a woman, and we know that beautiful ladies need 3-5, or even 10-15 minutes of the first stage. We men carry out this stage mainly for our partners (what can we do - that’s how they, these women, are designed!), although after 40 years, as a rule, we ourselves need it.
At this stage, the woman is adequately stimulated, as a result of which her sexual arousal awakens, forms and increases. By adequate stimulation we mean words, caresses, touches, stroking and other actions that this particular woman needs in a given situation. The range of sexual influences here is unusually wide: most representatives of the fair sex need gentle words about love for her and her beauty, touching, stroking and kisses.
For the minority - tight hugs, passionate expressions of desire to possess her rather than love, strong kisses that leave marks on the skin. A very minority (but this, by the way, is every eighth woman!) need remarks that are not at all censored (but at the same time sexy!) and caresses that outwardly resemble aggression. It is important to keep in mind that both the one and the other, and the third way to excite a woman can be called adequate if it matches the sexual style of a particular partner. Thus, the most gentle stroking with the most affectionate speeches (You are my good one... You are my sweetheart... You are my beloved girl...) will not become adequate stimulating actions for a woman who feels the need for strong, painful, compression of the chest and sharp passionate words.
Stage 2 – plateau stage.
It is characterized by a woman’s desire to accept the penis into the vagina and begin friction. The nature and intensity of frictional movements, their rhythm, direction and depth of insertion of the penis can be different. They are selected and tested by each pair individually.
A common feature of the plateau stage is subjective feeling maintaining excitement at a certain level for some time without increasing, which is why the phase got its name. However, despite the absence of a feeling of increasing arousal, objective physiological changes continue to go their own way.
During the plateau phase, blood flow continues to the genital organs: labia, vagina, body of the uterus and other pelvic organs.
The vaginal lumen is greatly narrowed due to the overflow of blood into the tissues surrounding it. The narrowing ensures closer contact between the sensitive areas of the vagina and penis, and, consequently, their more active stimulation. Due to this, the large size of the penis is not necessary condition satisfaction of a woman during intercourse. The physiological narrowing of the vagina allows it to actively respond to contact even with a partner’s small-sized penis. This mechanism is especially effective when the insertion of the penis is carried out in a timely manner, that is, already against the background of the unfolding processes of sexual arousal, a rush of blood to the genitals and the beginning of a narrowing of the vagina.
Knowledge and understanding of the physiology of sexual reactions, correct technique sexual intercourse will avoid many sexual problems.
At the end of the plateau phase, the vaginal muscles tighten and tightly wrap around the penis.
Stage 3 – stage of orgasm, is the culminating phase of sexual intercourse and harmoniously completes all of the above processes with a powerful neuromuscular discharge, already described in the previous chapter.
Stage 4 – resolution stage or reverse development phase.
During it, a feeling of satisfaction and relaxation comes. As noted above, the feeling that arises largely depends not so much on the severity of physiological reactions during orgasm, their quantitative or intense indicators, but on a number of psychological factors: the emotional contact of the partners, the appropriateness of the technique of sexual intercourse, the environment in which it took place, the partner's reactions to the expectations that the woman had.
During the resolution stage, all the changes that occurred in the first three stages disappear quite quickly (within 2-5-10 minutes), the body returns to its original state, all the changes that have occurred to it seem to unwind back - to the starting point, like in a film shot backwards. That is why this phase is called phase of reverse development.
In cases where a woman has reached the level of arousal characteristic of the plateau phase, and she has most of changes corresponding to this stage, and intercourse or other sexual stimulation was stopped before orgasm occurred, genital congestion may persist for a long time. Long-term stagnation of blood in the genitals is accompanied by unpleasant sensations in the lower abdomen. Women may notice a feeling of heaviness, pressure, possible itching in the genitals, and sometimes pain. With these complaints, they often turn to gynecologists, and they are often diagnosed with “chronic inflammation of the appendages”, “itching of the vagina and genitals”, “chronic colpitis”, “endometriosis”, etc. Gynecological treatment of these “diseases” can give a short-term positive effect, but if the true cause of the complaints is not detected and eliminated, they often return again. Sometimes during treatment there is even an increase in pain.
Thus, the widespread opinion that sexual life without orgasm is harmful to a woman’s health is completely justified. However, it would be wrong to say that any sexual intercourse without orgasm is harmful for a woman. It's not like that at all.
Firstly, only those sexual acts that are accompanied by a woman’s pronounced sexual arousal, but do not end in orgasm, are harmful. In those cases when, during sexual intercourse, a woman’s arousal either did not arise at all, or only mild physiological changes occurred in the genital organs, characteristic of the initial stage of arousal, chronic overflow of blood to the genital organs does not occur. Such sexual acts do not cause so-called physiological harm and do not lead to diseases, but they also do not provide sexual release.
Such sexual life can be perceived and assessed in different ways. Women often note its positive aspects: it brings pleasant sensations, creates a general erotic mood, confidence in strength family relations, in the love of a partner, etc. Psycho-emotional satisfaction can largely determine a positive attitude towards sex life and partnerships, even in cases where intimate contacts are not accompanied by orgasm. In the end, the main thing in intimacy between two people is the expression of feelings for each other, mutual enjoyment of each other and the joy of giving and receiving pleasure. If these conditions are met and there is no frustration (painful feeling of dissatisfaction, disappointment), the significance of orgasm decreases.
Some women are quite indifferent to sexual intercourse that does not lead to orgasm, however, for some it can also cause unpleasant feelings of a psychological nature. You can often hear statements along the following lines: “Why do I need sex life if there are no pleasant sensations!”, “Only men enjoy sexual intercourse,” “Only men need sex life,” “I am an inferior woman, everyone has an orgasm.” , but I don’t,” up to more aggressive ones: “If I don’t have an orgasm, then my partner is not a real man.”
Secondly, it is not any single sexual act that is unfavorable, or even several sexual acts that do not culminate in orgasm. Chronic dissatisfaction brings harm: physiological (leading to chronic stagnation of blood in the genitals), as well as psycho-emotional (due to chronic dissatisfaction - frustration of existing sexual needs).
Readiness for sexual intercourse
In the previous chapter, we discussed that increased arousal during sexual intercourse leads to orgasm and sexual satisfaction. Its appearance and growth is the result of exposure to erotic stimuli. They can be different: olfactory (smells), visual (admiring the beauty of a partner’s body; clothes that emphasize his sexuality, as well as viewing erotic pictures, films), auditory (music, sensual sounds, sighs, interjections, special words, sexually charged conversation) , tactile (tender loving touches; effects on special areas of the body - erogenous zones). However, despite all the differences, they have a common property. Not every woman has the same stimuli and will not always have an erotic effect that causes sexual arousal and a desire for intimacy. Sexual arousal occurs only under the influence of adequate stimuli (stimuli that a particular woman perceives as exciting her) and only against the background of emotional readiness to perceive these stimuli in a sexual way. In the absence of such readiness, even very intense sexual stimulation will not lead to arousal. For example, the introduction of the penis into the vagina and intense frictional movements in the absence of readiness for their erotic, sexual perception will not only not cause excitement or at least pleasant sensations, but can often lead to psychological rejection of intimacy. Sometimes women in such situations say: "I have a feeling that something extraneous does not understand what and why it is doing in the vagina."
In this regard, perhaps, nothing is of such great importance for the emergence and growth of arousal, and, consequently, for achieving orgasm, as a woman's readiness for intimate contact.
The period of "sexual preparation" is accompanied by a reorientation of thoughts and feelings in an intimate way, a turn of the sensual and thought process into a sexual channel. In the presence of pronounced emotional readiness, even ordinary touches to any parts of the body, not to mention the most sensitive erogenous zones, can be perceived as powerful sexual stimuli. The whole body becomes an erogenous zone. A woman can feel the strongest excitement from touching her fingers, the occipital region and other parts of the body, which in a different situation, which does not have an intimate coloring, are completely indifferent.
How is psycho-emotional readiness for intimate contact formed? What does it depend on?
First of all, from the general emotional mood, from the content of thoughts with which a woman approaches the line where intimate contact begins. Even before the onset of sexual stimulation, a kind of “computer” begins to work in a woman’s head, often regardless of her consciousness and desire, which instantly evaluates a number of parameters.
It takes into account the desirability and appropriateness of sexual contact at a given moment and in a given setting, the emotional attitude towards the partner, his known or expected personal and sexual qualities, the desirability and appropriateness of sexual contact with this particular partner.
The previous sexual experience must be assessed: how pleasant or unpleasant it was, how much the present situation or the present prospective partner corresponds to that past situation and that past partner with whom past pleasant or unpleasant sensations arose.
The attitude of others, real and sometimes absent or even dead, to the upcoming sexual contact is assessed. Thoughts may flash through your head: “What would mom say if she knew,” “Nothing good can happen anyway,” “I’m being used,” “Nothing will work out for me anyway,” “Nothing will work out for him anyway.” “,” “If he loves me, he shouldn’t do this (or vice versa, “should do it differently”),” etc.
The assessment of this entire variety of parameters occurs instantly. Based on it, the brain, often unconsciously, produces a result, makes a “decision” - whether or not to respond to the current erotic stimulus, “to be or not to be” sexual arousal. This solution seems to switch the toggle switch to the desired position.
If “to be”, then impacts on erogenous zones cause acute sexual sensations. The woman becomes involved in the process of arousal and becomes more sensitive.
If the decision is made “not to be sexually aroused,” even very intense and varied sexual stimulation will be perceived as indifferent, or unnecessary, or annoying, or even painful. In a situation not related to intimate communication, which does not have a sexual connotation for the patient, the impact on the erogenous zones will not cause sexual sensations. A simple example: for the vast majority of women, during a gynecological examination, the impact on sensitive erogenous zones causes sensations that are very far from sexual.
Approximately the same state of “asexuality” can arise if sexual intercourse is performed at the wrong time or in the wrong environment, when thoughts are preoccupied with problems, when intimacy proceeds or is not planned the way a woman wants, not with whom she wants, etc. It is difficult to expect that immediately after thoughtful reading of professional literature, or fiction, but not related to the sphere of relationships between men and women, after complex accounting calculations, Preparing homework with the child or putting him to bed, the woman will immediately be in an intimate mood. Reorientation takes time and some effort. And, of course, understanding by both the woman and the partner of the need for this time and the need for certain actions to create an erotic context.
Often, during conversations with women, one hears complaints about the lack of mood for sexual contact at the time when they go to bed with their spouse. When we begin to figure out the situation, it turns out that until the last minute the woman is either doing household chores, or finishing some work, or reading a book (not of erotic content), or dealing with the children, etc. By the time the partners get together , a man is already internally ready for intimacy and, after an extremely short, formal foreplay, begins sexual intercourse. At this time, the woman still cannot disconnect from her previous affairs. It is not surprising that with such constant sexual practice, orgasm is not achieved and sexual desire does not arise.
It is perhaps worth giving a somewhat grotesque example, which very clearly demonstrates the results of a discrepancy in the degree of readiness of partners to begin sexual intercourse.
A woman approached my colleague with complaints about problems in her sex life. Her husband, a creative and excitable man, often experienced attacks of sexual desire in the full sense of the word. He could run home from work for a short while (fortunately, the work was 5-10 minutes from home) and quickly persuade her to have sexual intercourse. Sometimes at home, suddenly, for example, during dinner, he would put everything aside and literally attack his wife, while she did not have any sexual thoughts. The woman experienced severe discomfort because, as a rule, she was not ready for such sudden sexual intercourse, and by the time it was over, arousal was just beginning to appear. This caused frustration after sexual intercourse. The woman’s sexual desire was quite pronounced; in other situations she could become well aroused and experience an orgasm. However, after a certain period of time, against the background of frustration, she began to notice that arousal ceased to occur even with less sudden sexual intercourse, and unpleasant sensations began to appear.
It happens that the need to prepare for sexual intercourse causes internal resistance in women and men. There are false sexual beliefs according to which it is believed that if partners love each other and are sexually attractive enough to each other, then sexual attraction should arise on its own, spontaneously. It is also believed that real sexual intercourse, truly “correct” sexual intercourse, which is an expression of true love and desire, should take place spontaneously, without any preparation.
This opinion is completely wrong. Any sexual act requires preparation, it can be conscious, it can be unconscious, but it should still be there. And the most important preparation is to revive the memory of past pleasant experiences. sexual relations. If there is no such experience, or worse, there is an unpleasant experience of sexual relations, waiting for the “spontaneous” occurrence of arousal and its smooth “spontaneous” increase until orgasm usually ends in failure.
Getting the same practical experience sexual reactions, satisfying intimate relationships may require some work and effort. And most importantly - desires. Fantasies, daydreams, imagining various life situations.
Sometimes women dealing with sexual problems have inflated desires to receive a “magic pill” from a sexologist, recommendations that will immediately solve all their difficulties, or the hope that there is a way that will immediately, without their own efforts and guarantee the emergence of desire at any time and achieving orgasm during any sexual intercourse. It must be said frankly that this is impossible in the sexual sphere. A similar example can be given from the creative sphere. A ballerina, before going on stage and performing her dance, the dance of love and high eroticism, has been doing the most difficult physical exercises for many years, repeating and honing completely non-erotic movements over and over again, and only then they create a magical, deeply sensual dance pattern. A similar situation occurs in sexual life, which largely consists of creativity.
A woman’s lack of a quickly and spontaneously arising sexual desire in the right situation and a guaranteed orgasm does not mean that the partners are not sexually suitable for each other or that she is frigid. It is quite possible that the matter is simply a lack of preparation for sexual intercourse, a reluctance to make any efforts to achieve what you want, or the sexual incompetence of at least one of the partners.
Speaking about the desire for spontaneity, it should be said that everyone has a choice. Either a fruitless wait for the “spontaneous” emergence of desire, which should arise on its own, or be bestowed by someone from above, a doctor, a “real man”, at the sight of whom women begin to tremble, etc. This supposed life scenario is called: “waiting by the sea good weather." Another way is sexual activity, collecting bits and pieces of positive experience in intimate relationships, discussing with your partner the desires, opportunities and difficulties of each, trying to synchronize your own and your partner’s sexual reactions. And then sexual satisfaction will be the inevitable result.
Here's an example:
A married couple sought help after 5 years of marriage due to the wife's dissatisfaction. The wife, let's call her Marina, said that this was her first marriage and first sexual partner. I married for love, my relationship with my husband is good. I experienced orgasm for the first time after 2 years of sexual activity. Since then, once every 3-4 months, if she puts in a lot of effort, she can achieve orgasm in an active position on top. She also noticed that to achieve orgasm she needed intercourse lasting 5–6 minutes, and her partner average duration sexual intercourse – 2–3 minutes. In this regard, in most cases, during intercourse, orgasm does not have time to experience, even though he tries. Therefore, there is not always a desire to make efforts. Has no experience of masturbation, the husband also does not use additional stimulation of the clitoris during intimate contact, they consider it unnatural. When discussing the situation of preparation for intimate contact, it turned out that the spouses live in the same room with a 3-year-old child, so sexual activity is conducted only after he falls asleep. This usually happens late, at about 24 o'clock, as the mother traditionally puts him to bed after the nanny leaves at 22 o'clock. By this time, the husband already wants to sleep (he is a lark), conducts sexual intercourse quickly, foreplay or other preparation for sexual intercourse is absent. Sexual intercourse begins when the husband already has an erection, and Marina's thoughts are still occupied with housework and she did not have time to reorganize. As a result, by the end of sexual intercourse, Marina is just beginning to get excited, but she cannot achieve orgasm.
This is a fairly common case of disharmonious sexual relationships. A woman is able to experience orgasm and even knows what is needed for this, but the spouses cannot synchronize their sexual reactions. The duration of the husband’s sexual intercourse cannot be called too short, and the wife, in fact, did not need very long sexual intercourse to achieve orgasm. A discrepancy of 2 minutes can be easily eliminated if certain conditions are met. Firstly, review the daily routine, put the child to bed earlier and begin intimate contacts earlier. Secondly, erotic foreplay before sexual intercourse can significantly shorten the frictional period necessary to achieve orgasm. Thirdly, more active behavior of the wife during foreplay and sexual intercourse will speed up the solution to the problem.
What determines a woman's ability to experience orgasm?
A feature of female sexuality is the instability of orgasmic function.
Female sexuality develops and is realized according to its own laws, which are somewhat different from those according to which male sexuality is realized. First of all, this concerns orgasm. The female orgasm has some peculiarities.
Firstly, this is the time of its appearance. Men begin to experience orgasm from the first ejaculation. Orgasm and ejaculation are usually inseparable. For women, things are a little different. The formation of orgasmic function is very relatively related to the period of puberty. The onset of the first menstruation (menarche) is by no means a sign of the emergence of the ability to feel orgasm. Some girls may experience orgasm before menarche, but more often than not, the end of puberty does not mean that the brain structures responsible for orgasm have matured. The process of “additional formation” of the orgasmic function ends later, sometimes much later. Impact on erogenous zones during intimate caresses, their stimulation during sexual intercourse greatly accelerates this process. Against the backdrop of regular sexual activity, the ability to experience orgasm manifests itself. That is why in most cases, at the beginning of sexual life, intimate contacts in a woman do not end with orgasm. This phenomenon is completely normal, especially for women who began sexual activity at a young age.
In most cases, at the beginning of a woman's sexual life, there is a certain period during which the awakening of female sexuality occurs, its adaptation to the characteristics of the partner's sexuality (sexual adaptation in a couple), as well as the completion of the formation of the ability to experience orgasm. The first months or even years of sexual life, partners try various options for sexual interaction, caress, experiment. At the same time, sensitive erogenous zones are revealed, the most pleasant ways of influencing them, the woman's sensuality is awakened and aggravated. To awaken sensuality, it is important that intimate touches be carried out in an atmosphere of peace, relaxation. An appropriate emotional mood is needed, a love relationship between partners. Of great importance is the image of the partner, his sensitivity, interest in satisfying the partner, the ability to know and understand the specific female sexual needs, and attentive attitude towards them.
At the beginning of a sexual life, but often later, the main sexual need of a woman is not so much sexual activity (sexual intercourse) as erotic interaction (kissing, hugging), petting (kissing and stimulation of the breasts, nipples, etc.) Therefore, the partner must pay attention to these caresses and gradually move on to sexual intercourse, ensuring appropriate readiness for it.
Gradually, from the entire variety of intimate influences, the most effective and exciting ones are selected, and the woman gradually gains experience of pleasant, sexually charged sensations. Against this background, the first orgasm arises.
However, it does not yet mean that the process of developing mature sexuality in a woman is over. To stabilize the orgasmic function, it usually takes some more time, during which a certain set and sequence of sexual influences are selected, leading to orgasm with great consistency. A so-called optimal sexual stereotype is developed. If in the first stages of sexual life, foreplay and preparation for sexual intercourse took quite a lot of time, then after developing an optimal sexual stereotype, their duration can be reduced, but they are not completely excluded. A very important question that interests many is: during what period of regular sexual activity should a woman acquire the ability to experience orgasm during intimate contact? For how long is the absence of orgasm a normal, natural state, and when does it become a sexual disorder and it is advisable for a woman to seek help from specialists with this problem? What reasons may delay the ability to respond with orgasm to sexual stimulation? What helps a woman go through this period of “sexual adaptation” faster?
Most often, the focus is shifted to the partner. There is a belief that a man bears full responsibility for the female orgasm, for developing a woman’s ability to experience it. This especially applies to first permanent sexual partners and, of course, to husbands. Their role is really very important. A woman’s first sexual experience largely determines her attitude towards sex life, gives her first ideas about her own sexuality, a feeling of confidence or self-doubt. In order for it to become a positive incentive for the further development of female sexuality and the full development of its capabilities, the partner must have an understanding of the characteristics of female sexuality and some rules that must be followed. We will pay ample attention to this in the second part of the book.
