Author, I personally understand you. And you know what I will write to you. Anyone who does not feel this will never understand you!!! A well-fed person is no friend to a hungry person, alas. You know, I'm in a similar situation. And you know, I personally changed a lot of things in order to revive the relationship and much more, and I went to a psychologist, in short, I know that I did what was possible and what was not...
I’ll write to you from experience, relationships are built by both. Those who write about their contribution to the relationship with their husband feel some kind of return from their husband inside. But it happens, in my case, when there really is no return. Yes, the husband brings money, and plays with the children - but at the same time he may have a deep dislike for you personally, as a woman and as a person.
You know, I also talked about this topic with others before. I also heard a million judgments, yes, you will ruin your family, but be wise, but do so that your husband will feel good with you, and so on and so forth, etc. and so on.
But, damn it, why should I make him feel good with me, but he shouldn’t? Unfortunately, when you realize too late how deplorable the situation is, of course you have to do it... because there is an opinion, since you suffered and lived so much, gave birth to children, why are you getting kicked out now?? But, after all, people change, and what, let’s say, was easily tolerated before, also not the husband’s attention, can be tolerated differently over the years...
And now I understand that you can be wise when there is still something in the relationship that suits you too!! But it happens when there is nothing left and being wise even a hundred times will not help much.
Author, trust your feelings. I am sure that those same tulips are just the tip of the iceberg in the sense that you tried to give an example in words that for you there is no love for you. In fact, it's not always easy to even put it into words like this.
It’s just felt inside and that’s all. And don’t prove anything to anyone, believe me, few will understand this if they haven’t experienced it themselves. From my own experience, I realized that my feeling that my husband was indifferent to me was just sensations, and then everything gradually became more concrete at specific moments in life.
Yes, as they write here, the husband may not give flowers and be a dry speller, but at the same time the woman intuitively feels that he still loves her.
But it also happens that you understand that there is no love. You just understand - that's the point. Then you simply begin to attach various evidence to this feeling, as I wrote above.
But now I understand, there is no need for proof. You have to believe in yourself. I didn't believe it before. I could have left my husband and children much earlier, but I didn’t believe my feelings, I also thought “I’m fighting with fat, I seem to be an adequate man,” and now I’m also in trouble... because of the children.
First of all, decide for yourself, can you live without love? You know, when I was younger, I somehow managed without my husband’s love, replaced it with something, and over the years I began to understand that, in fact, yes, I want love from my husband, a man. Why shouldn’t she want, shouldn’t receive, why should she deserve it with the same wisdom??
You know, there are so many unwise women who also make scandals, but they are strangely loved. Yes, because they love different people, not because, but as they say, DESPITE everything.
If I were you, I wouldn’t look to Eve for an answer, because... you won't find it here. Listen only to yourself. My experience has shown that even my friends and even my closest ones don’t understand, “you’re freaking out…” for them it’s a similar feeling. Here you need to dig deeper, read other literature, even go to a psychologist, if possible. I went, but even that didn’t help me, at that moment I just turned a blind eye to my husband’s lack of love and believed, believed that I would definitely fix everything, I’d fix it myself, in short, everything was on my shoulders. But this is not so, author!!
If your husband sits straight on his butt and doesn’t change anything, you will hit the wall, but nothing will change. Yes, of course, it’s possible that something will change for a certain period, a couple of months, but believe me, because everything will go away again. It is impossible to support love for just one person!!!
As for the husband, most likely he gets what he needs somewhere and doesn’t need to worry about it at home. Mine personally does this. At work, on the side, he gets what he needs and then he gets what I need.
And also, in principle, probably, if I don’t initiate a divorce or until someone takes advantage of their girlfriends-mistresses, they will continue to live with me under the same roof.
But I know for sure that there is no love for me, and there is no love for the children either, although he seems to do everything for the house. But again, it does, because... otherwise, of course, we need to get a divorce, but he’s lazy, as long as he’s comfortable, it doesn’t bother him - he’ll live like that... And what should bother him? I went to work in the morning, came back late, don’t touch him in the evening, don’t call him at work - you’re in the way, don’t strain your relationship on the weekend - I’m relaxing. Why should he get a divorce??
My experience says that if he feels like it, of course he will get a divorce, but he just doesn’t need it yet. It’s also possible that your husband isn’t burning yet, why would he get a divorce?? Why would he create unpleasant situations for himself??
Just understand for yourself personally, can you live in such a relationship without love all your life? 5 years, 10 years, the rest of your life? Is it good to live in a relationship when essentially there is nothing between people, emptiness, a wall??
I repeat that I personally honestly tried to resuscitate everything, to fall in love with my husband again and to make him fall in love with me, it took years, but now I understand that it was all me who did it, my husband never needed it!! It’s convenient for him to live with me, I repeat, because he gets what he needs on the side.
Well, the fact that I’m nearby somewhere under the same roof doesn’t bother him, because in relation to me he’s just an empty place, or rather I’m to him.
And even when he gave me flowers just this year, I realized that the understanding that you are loved sits somewhere inside you and depends on many everyday little things, not just on flowers once a year...
Someone doesn’t give flowers and the woman feels that she is loved, and sometimes, as in my case, he gave flowers, but I understand that it’s just nothing, or rather, he gave it rather because he did something on the side, whom - found it, felt guilty, because... Before that, I also never gave flowers or gifts and considered it too tinsel...
And, most importantly, I also nodded my head obediently and considered my desire to receive a flower or a gift - that I was crazy!! This is how a woman suppresses in herself everything that seems to be the norm...
So, author, your life is only your life!! It's up to you to live, it's up to you to decide. I, too, used to think that a woman is wise - if she drags her family to the last, she revives everything in it and creates and creates. But I realized that there are cases when there is nothing to create, there is simply nothing, at least a hundred times be wise with the wise.
Living with a person who doesn’t love you and you clearly feel it inside - I now don’t consider such coexistence to be wisdom. This is a banal fear of being left alone, fear of financial difficulties, fear of what people will say, how the children will be without a father, a little jealousy that my husband will find someone for himself, but I’m unlikely to find anyone with children, yes, and banal pride speaks inside, it turns out that I am a divorcee = not a successful woman, not wise???
You just need to decide for yourself which is better? Is it really possible to live alone or to see every day that you are an empty place for your husband? There are those who choose the second and live like this for years and nothing, in a word, you need to decide for yourself what you can live with all your life and what you can’t...
And then, if there really is no love on the part of the husband for his wife, where is the guarantee that someday he will not personally mature to the point of divorce, while you seem to have resigned yourself to living with him without love on his part???
"He doesn't understand me!" - this phrase was uttered by everyone at least once in their life married woman. What are these: simple words spoken out of emotion, or then how to live with your husband if there is no mutual understanding? Or maybe it’s not about a specific man, but about everyone? Perhaps they are genetically unable to understand women and satisfy all their desires and needs? All this will be discussed in this article.
Short-lived happiness from marriage
In the first days and weeks, as well as at the beginning of acquaintance and the birth of love, it seems that happiness has finally arrived. The newlyweds are in a great mood, they see it as light, cloudless and endlessly joyful. But very soon it ends, and is replaced by gray everyday life, everyday troubles, and also one of the most common reasons for a quarrel: the problem of mutual understanding. The better a man and woman get to know each other in marriage, the weaker they become because their dreams have come true, turning into real life, which means that sex has moved from violent passion into the category of ordinary performance of marital duties.
Marriage kills romance
Over time, husband and wife stop treating each other as reverently and tenderly as before the wedding. Affection and flirting disappear, compliments are said less and less often, they are replaced by criticism and mutual claims. Selfishness awakens in each of the spouses; one wants the partner to indulge and please in everything. Such desires give rise to omissions, resentments, and disappointment.
If you want to maintain mutual understanding in the family for as long as possible, then you need to cherish love, try to bring at least a drop of romance into everyday life: a small surprise, flowers for no reason, walks in the park, a kiss when meeting and goodbye. Moreover, it should not be friendly, on the cheek, but real, passionate. It’s as if you’re not married, like when you just met and haven’t had time to get enough of each other. Love will preserve a marriage as long as there are greedy, long kisses in it.
No understanding with husband
Preserving a marriage and building family comfort is a difficult task, but doable if both spouses take on it. Most often it happens that the wife beats in closed door, trying for the good of her husband, but does not receive any gratitude in return. Married men develop a consumerist attitude towards a woman who must cook for them, wash, clean, give birth to children, take care of them herself, not interfere with watching TV, still work, look good, but not spend money on cosmetics and beauty salons . The husband is sure that he does not owe anything and is quite capable of making his wife happy simply by his presence, or, at best, by the salary he brings. Tired of this situation, periodically asking herself the question of how to live with her husband if there is no mutual understanding, the woman does not find the right answer and decides to divorce. But is the marriage doomed? After all, just recently you lived in dreams about this person, looked forward to meeting him, solemnly swore in the registry office of eternal love and care in sorrow and joy.
Psychologists suggest using some recommendations, thanks to which mutual understanding and trust can return.
Happy spouses - myth or reality?
As you know, any fairy tale can be brought to life. So, a happy married life is quite possible. Such a couple will always have time and desire for simple signs of attention, thanks to which you can feel warmth, attention and love. After all, it’s not at all difficult to warn in advance that you’ll be late from work, set aside a couple of minutes during the day, call and find out how you’re doing. Having met in the kitchen in the evening, a loving husband and wife will definitely ask how each person’s day went. These little things allow you to feel that they are thinking about you, worrying about you, that you are an important part of your partner’s life.
If there is no happiness
How to live with your husband if there is no mutual understanding in the family even after following all the above tips? With a 90% probability we can say that this article will be read by women, which means that only they will follow all the recommendations. But a positive result cannot be achieved if both spouses do not work to maintain the relationship. Usually men do not think about such subtle matters as harmony and mutual understanding; for them it is more important to be well-fed and watch TV. Such a marriage will last exactly as long as a woman’s patience is enough.
Reconcile or separate?
The opinion imposed by society affects the acceptance of a tired wife the right decision. Almost every piece of advice says that a woman should be near her husband, endure and come to terms with her difficult lot. Many ladies believe that all men are bad, but living alone is even worse, and therefore they turn a blind eye to drunkenness, laziness, and infidelity. All this results in scandals, hysterics, hundreds and thousands of dead nerve cells. If there are children in the family, then they are unwitting witnesses to such dramas. Girls, seeing an unhappy mother, begin to hate their father, and then men, from a young age. Children develop an incorrect model of relationships between men and women in their heads, which will make it difficult for them to build their own social unit in the future. Therefore, sometimes to the question of how to live with your husband if there is no mutual understanding, there is only one correct answer: no way!
Freedom or loneliness?
Anyone who has a small copy of it is not alone. Do not forget that family is, first of all, blood ties, which means that by separating from your husband, you have not lost your family if you have a child. If you and your spouse have not found common goals and interests that could strengthen the marriage, you always have a chance to build a harmonious relationship with your child. And if your baby is a boy, then you should definitely try to raise him in such a way that your future daughter-in-law will say “thank you” to you.
The husband should be strong and decisive, and the wife should be flexible and soft. This stereotype is so firmly entrenched in people’s heads that it has given rise to many perverted forms of understanding it. Just look at the sayings “Love your wife like a soul, shake her like a pear” and “Beating her means loving her”! Long battles for gender equality could not fundamentally change matters, even in our progressive times a large number of women are, to one degree or another, subjected to pressure from their tyrant husband: moral, financial, and often physical.
A truly strong and confident person will never assert himself at the expense of others. He simply doesn't need it. Such a man firmly knows what he is worth, is confident in his abilities, and his own personality does not cause rejection in him. Of course, he can occasionally flare up and cause a scandal (we are all human), but such a person will never systematically humiliate his family and raise his hand against them. The same cannot be said about a tyrant.
“Domestic despots” usually include two types of people:
- Men who failed to succeed in life. Having not reached the top of their careers, having not realized themselves in any field, they try to increase their self-esteem, turning into a tough ruler of their home world. Only here does he feel like a king and a god, expecting that his household will obey and please him.
- A successful man who carried away a loser complex from childhood. Maybe his parents didn’t like him, his classmates kicked him - it doesn’t matter. Even if such a person achieves success through long and hard work or by a happy coincidence, he remains the same notorious boy. Squeezed internally and afraid of appearing weak, the tyrant constantly tries to dominate. He regularly scolds his subordinates, bullies the driver, “builds” his wife and children, and only under these conditions does he feel confident.
What are the signs to recognize a despot husband?
The tyrant tries to instill fear, guilt and an inferiority complex in his wife’s soul Trying to assert their power, domestic dictators use surprisingly similar tactics:
- Regular criticism of the wife's actions. Under no circumstances should a spouse feel like a good housewife and mother! Such a husband will not even think of saying “thank you” for a delicious three-course dinner, but he will not fail to notice that the bread was cut unevenly, and the vase of flowers was not in the center of the table. If a woman works or has a hobby, the tyrant does not miss the opportunity to remind her that what she is doing is complete nonsense, and her work does not have the slightest value. Most often, the matter ends with the wife quitting, abandoning her favorite activities and settling at home, completely devoting herself to caring for her husband. There is only one meaning - a wife who is convinced of her worthlessness is easier to manage. And the tyrant feels like a daredevil next to her.
- Financial control. Whether a woman earns money herself or not, the family budget is completely under the control of her husband. So much so that a lady even has to coordinate the purchase of necessary shoes with her husband.
- Psychological pressure.“Point one: the husband is always right; point two: if the husband is wrong, see point one.” Compromises are impossible, the wife’s opinion is not taken into account in principle, in any controversial situation the last word remains with the despot.
- Ban on communication. A wife-thing must belong to her owner undividedly, therefore all “extra” people - friends, colleagues, relatives - are gradually erased from her life.
- Physical violence. An extreme form of influence of a despot on a spouse. It would seem that this sign clearly signals that it is time to run away. But many wives endure assault for years, which becomes more and more cruel over time. Apparently, the idea of beating as a symbol of a man’s love is so strong in some people.
Once you endure blows, you will begin to receive them regularly Is it worth saving the “unit of society” if a loved one shows the habits of a dictator, but feelings for him have not yet cooled? And if you are already connected by the strongest link possible - common child? When the case is not yet pathological, you are not covering up the bruises, and your spouse is capable of normal dialogue, then you can try.
Learn to defend your interests. There is nothing wrong with giving in and compromising in the name of maintaining peace, this is one of the secrets of a happy family life. However, concessions must be mutual. If your husband does not take your opinion into account and openly neglects your desires, you will not be able to build a normal relationship with such a person.
Don't tolerate nagging. Nip comments about your “crookedness,” worthlessness and stupidity in the bud, immediately making it clear that you will not allow talking to yourself in such a tone and, if necessary, you can resist and fight back. But under no circumstances should you stoop to retaliatory insults. Did your spouse harshly criticize your stew? Try to act calm, shrug your shoulders and say: “I think it turned out well. Never mind, next time I’ll try a different recipe.” Naturally, we are not talking about objective criticism expressed in a polite tone (after all, the dish, for example, might actually not have turned out well). It's a matter of the form in which claims are submitted and their number. Of course, swearing at you or humiliation is completely unacceptable!
Do not give up communication and favorite activities to please your husband. You must have friends, a job you enjoy and free time.
Next, there are three possible scenarios. Either your spouse will accept you as an equal person and stop trying to establish his own rules. Or he will understand that you are not suitable for the role of a victim and will demand a divorce (and then it’s up to you to decide whether to back down or break out of this relationship with your head held high). Or he will try to call you to order and put you in your place through physical punishment. The latter cannot be tolerated under any circumstances!
Is it possible to rehabilitate a tyrant?
Try to build a dialogue with your man It is almost impossible to change an adult without his desire. Moreover, when we are not talking about bad habits, but about a character trait that has long been formed. It wouldn’t occur to you to transform a thoughtful melancholic person into a sociable and cheerful sanguine person? The situation with despotic habits is the same: they already exist, so you can only try to soften their manifestations.
Reflect on your behavior. Maybe you're in Lately began to pull the blanket over themselves and often ignored the wishes of their spouse? Or did they stop paying attention to him, busy with children, relatives, and gatherings with friends? Or did they make fun of their husband’s too low salary, using their own achievements as an example? In this case, you can try to correct the situation by increasing care for your loved one and see what comes of it. A normal person will quickly come to his senses, a dictator in life will only increase the pressure and try to “bend” you even more.
But remember that the analysis of the situation must be thoughtful and adequate. Under no circumstances should you take all the blame for what is happening! The formulation “it’s all your fault, it’s you who brought me down” is the favorite song of tyrants, but this does not mean that it corresponds to the truth.
How to get rid of a despot husband: get a divorce, leave with your child and break up forever
There are women who endure beatings and humiliation for years. Fear of a despot spouse, fear of rumors, inability to provide for oneself on one’s own, children, hope for a miraculous transformation of one’s spouse - all this can maintain an unsuccessful marriage for an incredibly long time. As a result, the family turns into a terrible parody of itself, where the husband sits on the throne with a scepter in his hand, a downtrodden and submissive wife, who has long lost the remnants of human dignity, fusses at his feet, and somewhere in the corner the children stand quietly, taunted by a strict father to a nervous tic. But if a woman comes to her senses in time and decides to leave her dictator husband, the problem is by no means considered solved. Tyrants don’t let go of a convenient victim so easily. How to break the vicious circle and end the relationship forever?
- Prepare yourself mentally. No matter how bad the family is, the decision to divorce is an extreme step for a woman and a serious blow to the psyche, so it is difficult to decide on it. Some people are frightened by the status of a “divorced woman” and the prospect of losing financial stability. Others become so accustomed to the role of eternal victim that they can no longer imagine another life - here, although it’s bad, it’s understandable and predictable, and there (in “ big world") it is unknown how else it will turn out... Sometimes a woman sincerely believes that such a husband is better than none. The final decision will need to be made only by you. If you are firmly convinced that you are ready to leave forever, then do not give in to threats and tearful assurances on the topic “from now on everything will be different.” Take responsibility for your life and feel like a real person, and not an appendage to a tyrant. Think about where you will live, and how you will provide for yourself and your children? Whose support can you count on, who can you turn to for help in the worst possible situation? Having a clear plan makes it much easier to act.
Don’t be afraid to call hotlines; crisis center specialists can provide significant support in difficult situations Children are a separate issue. Many women are firmly convinced that a child should not grow up without a father, so they continue to endure humiliation and beatings, even when this is no longer possible. And they make a huge mistake! In a family where one parent constantly bullies the other, it is extremely difficult to raise a child with a healthy psyche. The son will most likely internalize the tyrannical habits of his father, and the daughter will adopt the “eternal victim” behavior model. And they will build their families according to the same scenario. Is this what you really want? In addition, a tyrant husband rarely limits himself to attacks on his wife. Sooner or later, under his moral pressure and hot hand Children will also start to appear.
- Make allies. First of all, consult with your family, close friends, and call the helpline. Consult a lawyer about your upcoming divorce: what are your prospects, what can you count on, are there any chances of successfully resolving the custody issue?
You need to know the helpline, even if the decision to leave has not yet matured. A conversation with an experienced psychologist will help you not to despair in difficult times and not to do anything stupid. Also, find out the number for your local police department and call them immediately if you feel the situation is getting dangerous. And feel free to scream and cry into the phone! Law enforcement agencies don’t like to go to “everyday life,” so the operator must understand that you didn’t just quarrel with your husband over a cold dinner, but that you really are in danger and are afraid for yourself and your children.
- Having prepared the ground, begin to act. If your husband does not have the habit of immediately switching to the use of force, you can try to talk in an amicable way. But try to present the idea of divorce as if the initiative comes from the despot himself. Yes, you understand that you could not become a good wife, and his mother is absolutely right in calling you a bad housewife, so he deserves a woman who is more caring and patient. The more balm you pour on the tyrant's inflated ego, the higher the likelihood that he will let you go in peace. Call on all your acting abilities to help, humble your pride and let your spouse enjoy your superiority to your heart's content.
You can negotiate amicably with a tyrant about divorce if the situation is not completely critical If you have children, emphasize that you not only agree, but even want them to continue to communicate regularly with their father. Don’t even talk about limiting meetings or taking the guys to another city, otherwise all efforts at a “peaceful settlement” will go to waste.
- Are you afraid of scenes or manifestations of violence from your spouse? Seize the moment when he is not at home, and only then leave. Pack an “emergency suitcase” in advance so that at a convenient moment everything is at hand: documents (yours and your children’s), money and valuables. But don't do it while you're hesitating! If the suitcase stays in the closet for six months, the husband will definitely stumble upon it, and in this case, a showdown will hardly be avoided.
- For the first time, find yourself a new shelter, the address of which your husband does not know. These can be not only distant relatives or an old friend who is ready to host you, but also crisis centers that protect women. Unfortunately, there is little chance of finding such an organization in a small town, but the telephone and the Internet largely solve this problem. Try to contact the center in the nearest large populated area, explain the situation and ask for help - they will probably provide you with psychological support, and also teach you how to proceed. Typically, such organizations have helplines, communication with law enforcement agencies and there are competent lawyers who will help you file a divorce. Social apartments are provided for women with children, where they can live, if not in complete comfort and pleasure, then at least in decent conditions.
Moving to another city is an extreme measure, but sometimes you have to dare If you are alone, think about moving to another city, change your SIM card and do everything to erase your ex-spouse from your life. This advice is not suitable for women with children - your babies have a father, and you cannot ignore this fact. You will have to enlist the support of a good lawyer and resolve the issue of guardianship through the court.
- If you have already been subjected to violence, write a statement to the police and film the beating. In the future, this will become an additional trump card in court proceedings. Also, have a voice recorder. If your spouse decides to call and threaten, press the record button and carefully record everything he says.
Life with a tyrant often turns into real addiction. Once the first traces of beatings fade, and the grievances fade, good moments emerge in the memory, without which no relationship can do. Psychologists advise taking a pause of 40 days: this is exactly how long it takes for our consciousness to begin to rebuild. Try to disconnect from problems for this period. Take care of your children, yourself, and fully experience life “in freedom.” Soberly evaluate and weigh your relationship with your husband, and then make your final decision.
Related posts:
No similar entries found.
When one of the spouses loses their feelings, this is extremely stressful. Any changes in a relationship for the worse are especially painful for a woman, since she vitally needs to be loved and desired. It is very difficult to admit the fact that a man has fallen out of love, so many wives continue to deceive themselves and play ideal family. This position is very dangerous, as it implies inaction. It is much wiser to admit the problem and try to understand what to do if the husband does not love his wife. What signs may indicate this?
Direct “evidence” or hidden hints?
As a rule, a wife does not need to have direct evidence that she is no longer loved. This manifests itself even in small things; you just need to stop “hiding your head in the sand” and analyze your husband’s behavior. Psychologists advise paying attention to a whole range of factors that explain how a husband behaves if he does not love his wife.
The main signs of dislike
Is it necessary to save the family?
If a husband doesn't love his wife, what should she do? This is the first question that a woman must answer for herself. To make it easier to make a decision, you need to evaluate all the pros and cons of your man and understand whether you need to fight for him. Divorce is never easy, but living with a husband who has no feelings left is also difficult. Not every woman is ready to live in the hope that her husband will love her again.
Ways out of the situation
Psychologists assure that, finding herself in this situation, a woman can choose one of two options:
- Break up if you are not sure that your feelings will return, and do not torture yourself or your husband.
- Try to bring back lost love.
Can a husband fall in love again?
Life is unpredictable, so this outcome is quite likely. But for this a woman must make some effort. First of all, you need to remember how the relationship began and what initially attracted the man. Having analyzed the relationship, the wife must also realize her mistakes, because there probably were some. It is useless to shift the blame only to the husband; this position is doomed to failure.
There are always signs that a husband does not love his wife. What signs may indicate this - you need to figure it out. A woman knows her husband better than anyone, so it will not be difficult for her to identify the factors that provoke irritation. You should start working on your relationship by eliminating the reasons that cause your husband’s dissatisfaction.
Sometimes in such cases, a joint trip or a weekend spent together will be indispensable. The opportunity to retire and talk calmly is an important step towards mutual understanding.
A difficult situation always arises if the husband does not love his wife. What to do is up to the woman to decide. When she wants to return her husband's love, she should not impose herself and become his shadow - this will push him away and cause a new wave of irritation. You cannot show your loneliness and melancholy. A confident and happy woman is much more attractive. For a husband to look at his wife with different eyes, she must believe in her attractiveness and exclusivity. It is unlikely that a husband will want to idolize a woman who does not believe in herself.
Honor and Praise
Any man loves to be admired. This is an integral feature of their nature, and many wise women they take advantage of it. When a wife praises her husband and emphasizes his strengths, he feels confident next to her, and will constantly return for a new portion of admiration.
Probably every woman thinks from time to time: if the husband does not love his wife, what signs should be present. Joint conversations on topics that are interesting to both will help to renew old feelings. A woman can surprise her husband with her knowledge in various fields and show that she is smart and educated.
If you decide to leave...
Family life is not an easy matter, so it often ends in divorce. When people have different values and perceptions of the world, it is not easy for them to find mutual language and keep the love. At the beginning of a relationship, very little attention is paid to this fact; it seems that all difficulties are surmountable. But when feelings cool down, optimism quickly disappears, and a situation often arises when the husband does not love his wife. Any wife knows what signs will help determine this.
If a woman realizes that she is not ready to live with a man who does not love her, she decides to leave him. In such cases, resentment and misunderstanding do not allow you to objectively assess the situation, but it is worth making an effort and parting correctly. There is no need to blame your husband for lack of love; it is better to try to accept reality and let him go. Perhaps then the relationship will move to a new level, and everyone will be able to live their own lives.
What do the experts say?
If a husband does not love his wife, the psychologist’s advice boils down to one thing - to analyze the relationship and future prospects. It is important to understand that all couples feel cooling at some point in time. As the cold drags on, the woman begins to realize that perhaps her husband has stopped loving her. It seems that he lives his own life in which she has no place.
Each family may have its own reasons why it seems that the husband does not love his wife. The signs need to be considered only as a whole. Psychologists believe that most often feelings cool down due to the fact that there was not enough emotional intimacy between spouses. Misunderstanding leads to the fact that the couple cannot find a compromise and come to an agreement. Problems grow, irritation accumulates, and quarrels do not die down.
What to do?
When a woman realizes that her husband has lost interest in her, she thinks about how to return his feelings. But first of all, it’s worth figuring out: is it necessary to do this? Often, attempts to get a man to talk end in failure, since he is unlikely to discuss his feelings.
To avoid another scandal, a woman must express her thoughts calmly and judiciously, without stooping to insults. How does a husband behave if he doesn’t love his wife? By his behavior, intonation and words, you can understand whether there is a chance to restore the family or whether you need to come to terms with reality.
When a relationship feels like a one-way game, the wife needs to think about herself and remember that she also has the right to be happy. There is no need to continue meaningless conversations and try with all your might to keep your husband. Such actions will not lead to the creation of a strong family, but will bring new disappointments and collapse of hope.
A woman must realize that if she clings to your back, she will never feel needed and desired. Sometimes loneliness is much more pleasant than constant torment and suffering, so you shouldn’t be afraid of it. In addition, it is time to find peace of mind and harmony, which will be useful for building new relationships. It is important to realize that your own happiness does not depend on the actions of other people, it is achieved as a result of painstaking internal work above oneself.
For help - go to church
If the husband does not love his wife, the questions the woman asks the priest will help her learn to believe in the best. You need to appreciate life, notice elementary joys and know that God sends only those tests that a person can withstand.
Question for a psychologist:
Hello, I don’t even know where to start with my question. My topic is probably banal, but I just don’t know what to do and how to live further. I'll try to briefly tell my story. I met my future husband when I was 15 years old, he was 21 years old. We were on friendly terms for a long time, but I fell in love with him at first sight and then told myself that I wanted such a husband. We started dating when I was 20 years old, we got married when I was 22 years old. We don't have children. I’ll describe right away why I fell in love with my husband. My husband is a wall behind which there is no fear, handsome, not stupid, purposeful, gets what he wants, has life experience, honest, strong, with him it is not scary to find yourself in some kind of force majeure situation, loving, protective, affectionate . He was like that. It's not like that now. And I don’t know, is this a crisis in the relationship, or is this just the end of our story?? Now everything is just terrible. My husband sought me out for a very long time, despite the fact that we met very early, he said that he fell in love with me almost immediately, but he suggested dating me when I was 18. Then I refused him, because I was used to us being friends, I I didn’t want to lose such a friend, and at that time I was in a relationship with someone else. We met periodically, just as friends. We didn't have sex before we started our relationship. And so, when I was 20, I broke up with my boyfriend, sat with a friend in a cafe and met my husband. Then we sat amicably, he went to accompany me home, and said that he loved me, that he wanted to be with me. At that time, I was already disappointed in love and was afraid to believe again, afraid to love, and I tried to isolate myself from this feeling. But she couldn't resist. So, a month later we started dating. For the first time I admitted to my husband that I loved him three months into our relationship. Almost as soon as we started dating, he proposed to me and we knew and planned in advance when we would have a wedding. The first year of the relationship was absolutely amazing. Nobody loved me so much in my life and I was just flying in heaven. It's indescribable. It was like this for two years. That's why we got married. We took out a loan for the wedding. After the wedding, we lived well for another year, and then everything went as planned. A year after our wedding, my husband lost his job and it was terribly stressful for him. He had a long depression. I was working at that time, my salary was pretty good and I could provide for my family, but we had a loan and paying it off fell on my shoulders. I supported my husband as best I could, never said a word to him about work, I was his support. he was in no mood all the time. He stopped paying attention to me, we stopped making love, we didn't plan for children. The first brick of our relationship collapsed. I waited for a long time, it lasted approximately six months. I begged for intimacy, intimacy began to happen very rarely between us, and quarrels began. So a year passed. My husband found a job, but while he was looking, I also had to take out loans for myself, it’s a long story... about them. To close one I took the second, etc. As a result, we found ourselves deeply in debt. I couldn’t bear family responsibilities alone. And my husband searched for a very long time Good work . Three years passed like this. My husband had part-time jobs; at most, he stayed at work for six months. But I would like to point out right away that it is not his fault. And I'm not trying to defend him here. We live in a small town and have a very hard time with work. For three years, we were deeply in debt, we often quarreled, I won’t hide the fact that there was assault on both sides, but it was my fault (tell me straight away, my husband didn’t beat me, he could push me, push me away, once he accidentally hit me on the head, it wasn’t on purpose , and once grabbed me by the neck when I was simply in a hysterical state), crazy people, yelling, mutual reproaches. Because of this, our relationship deteriorated. We had practically no intimacy 1-2 times every two months. My husband and I are almost always together and I know 100% that there was no betrayal on his part. So we come to the fourth year. Needless to say, it got even worse. I can't reach my husband. Now he hasn’t worked for six months again, I work for two people. I have a job with a shift schedule, and I also do part-time work. I have gained a lot of weight because... 2 years ago I had a severe hormonal imbalance. Due to lack of money, I cannot afford to go to the doctor, because almost all tests are paid. All the money goes to pay off debts. You also need to get dressed and eat something. My husband stopped paying attention to me altogether, and when I say something, he says that it’s all because I’ve gained a lot of weight. There are no compliments, no words I love you, nothing. I feel bad that I work, I try, sometimes I can’t even afford to buy clothes because I have no money. And I’m offended that my husband doesn’t appreciate this, that I only ask for attention and support from him. We stopped talking and doing anything. When we quarrel, we touch each other on the most painful topics. I am the provocateur of quarrels. Sometimes my husband and I talk and he tries to calm me down, says that he loves me, that everything will be fine, that I need to calm down, not nag him, and then over time he will cool down and our relationship will improve. But I can’t help it, I’ve accumulated so much resentment that I have nowhere to put it. This is resentment and anger. Resentment for the lack of attention, anger that I support our family, but I’m a girl and it’s not my responsibility to think about money, but my husband’s responsibility. Even in ancient times, men mined mammoth, and women took care of the family hearth, raised children.... Please help me, I just don’t know what to do. I don’t want to nag my husband, I don’t want to cling to him, offend him. I tried taking a sedative, but it didn't help me. I don't know what to do. I love him, I want a child from him, but his indifference, unwillingness to do anything scares me, he was not like that, and I don’t know how to get everything back.....
Psychologist Svetlana Viktorovna Bashtynskaya answers the question.
Hello Lina!
You and your husband have a long, rich history together, in which there is a lot of value and some difficulties. You married one person, and now it’s as if he has become someone else. And it is natural that you are looking for a way out of this situation.
I would like to note that throughout your letter you can feel love and care for your husband, and yes, there are other feelings - anger and resentment.
Let's see what happened. You lived together for several wonderful years, then changes occurred: your husband lost his job, and as I understand from your letter, it was a blow for him, it crippled him and changed him. It is always difficult for a man when he ceases to be the breadwinner and, to some extent, the head of the family; this is a blow to his pride and self-perception. Losing a job and not being able to find one for a long time is a huge challenge for the whole family. Roles change, relationships change. You became a reliable support for your husband in every sense, you protected him.
You feel sorry for your husband, and when this happens, you stop believing in his strengths and abilities, you justify him, because in fact he is involved in your relationship, participates in the job search (“small town”), participates in assault (“by my fault"). Thus, you always find circumstances that determine the fate and behavior of your husband. At the same time, he, as an adult man, can independently bear responsibility for his life and his contribution to it.
That is, you have taken the position of a caring parent, a savior, while your husband behaves like a child and a victim (of circumstances). And when this bothers you, and this is normal, because you constantly hear “whining” and do not give yourself the opportunity to express your feelings, because your husband feels bad - not just tiring, but causes anger, then you attack him and start quarrels.
Of course you feel resentful and angry. After all, you invest so much and get no return. At the same time, we often experience these feelings towards those people who allow themselves what we cannot afford. So you don’t allow yourself to rest, take care of yourself, support yourself, you can’t relieve yourself of this burden of responsibility, as if you stopped keeping everything under control, then everything would fall apart. You want to be a weak woman, and this is normal, you are very tired and exhausted. You also restrain yourself and your emotions, you were silent once, twice, three times, but the emotions did not go away, they only accumulate, and then the slightest reason can cause a violent attack of anger. And then you worry and feel guilty that you started a quarrel, it would seem empty space, and then you hold back even more. It turns out to be a vicious circle. To break it, allow yourself anger and talk about it, because when you don’t accumulate it, it won’t be so destructive. You are right that sawing, reproaches and putting pressure on pain points will not help. Use “I messages” - “when you do/don’t do this, I get upset/angry.”
You do everything for your family and forget about yourself, even in cases where it is vitally necessary, such as a visit to the doctor. Your inner girl screams - what about me? why doesn't anyone take care of me? And you, as an adult woman, can take care of her and pay attention to yourself.
I see that you love your husband and care about your future. To change something in a relationship, you need to change, change your relationship with yourself and your husband, and your methods of communication. You want him to become as reliable as when you married him, then learn to see this fortress wall in him, give him part of the responsibility for what is happening, and not take everything on yourself. Remember about yourself, about your health, your feelings, you have the right to take care of yourself, you have the right to express your dissatisfaction. This will not be easy, because you have been building and using a certain model of relationships for a long time, and changing it is unusual and difficult. At the same time, your family has a huge resource to overcome the stage of change - this is your love and faith in the future, and I feel the strength in you to change.
Think about working with a psychologist and family consultations; now both face-to-face and video sessions via Skype are possible; this will allow you to quickly understand your relationship, which has developed over the years.
4.6666666666667 Rating 4.67 (3 Votes)
