Each of us periodically experiences feelings of anxiety, worry and fear - this is one of the aspects of our mental activity. But adults have experience and knowledge that often help rationalize what is happening and reduce the intensity of experiences. Children do not understand much and worry much more acutely. Often, what scares a child may seem like a mere trifle to an adult. But the feeling of fear makes a child really worry powerful emotions, which can instantly take over his entire little world.
If a child complains that he is afraid of something, this is not a reason for ridicule or panic, but rather a reason to think and talk with the child, try to find out the reason and then decide on further actions. Most children's fears are temporary in nature; with timely identification of fears by adults and the correct attitude towards them, they will soon disappear without a trace. There are, of course, fears (neurotic or obsessive) that make it difficult for a child to function normally, interfere with his development and adaptation, and spread to all areas of life - in this case it is better to seek help from specialists.
What are childhood fears?
Fear is a feeling that arises in response to the influence of threatening factors, which is based on the innate instinct of self-preservation. Psychologists identify two basic threats that cause a feeling of fear - threats to a person’s life and life values. The specificity of children's fears is that, as a rule, they are not directly related to an actual threat. Children's fears are based on information that children receive from nearby adults and pass through the prism of their vivid fantasy and imagination.
Causes of childhood fears
The most obvious cause of children's fears is a previously experienced traumatic situation. For example, if a child is bitten by a dog, there is a high probability that he will be afraid of dogs in the future. If parents intimidate their child with fairy tale characters in an attempt to achieve their own goals, the child may be afraid to be alone or in the dark. The basis for the formation of fears is also the general anxiety of the immediate environment, which conveys to the child a huge number of prohibitions and an attitude of failure. Mothers and grandmothers often warn their children with the phrases: “be careful! Otherwise you will fall, get hurt, break your leg.” Of such phrases, the child, as a rule, perceives only the second part. He does not yet fully understand what he is being warned against, but he is filled with a feeling of anxiety, which can develop into persistent fears. Excessively emotional discussion by adults of various incidents and natural disasters, focusing on the fact that danger can lurk at every step also does not go unnoticed by children and is fertile ground for fears.
There are not so obvious reasons that may underlie children's fears:
- Overprotection
Children living in modern metropolis, are often subject to excessive care from their parents, they constantly hear that danger awaits them at every corner. This makes kids unsure of themselves and fearful. In addition, life itself in a big city is filled with stress and is very intense, which cannot but affect the child’s psyche in general, making it more vulnerable. - Lack of parental attention
Due to the excessive workload of adults, their communication with children is often very limited in time. Live emotional communication is being replaced by computer games and television broadcasts. Therefore, it is necessary to communicate qualitatively with the child at least several hours a week, take walks together, play, and discuss significant moments. - Lack of physical activity
Lack of sufficient physical activity can also cause fear. - Mother's aggression towards child
If the mother occupies a leading position in the family system and often allows herself to show aggression towards other family members, the emergence of fears in the child is almost inevitable. She is not perceived by the baby as an object that will protect and come to the rescue in any situation, so the basic sense of security suffers. - Unstable atmosphere in the family
An unstable emotional situation in the family, frequent scandals between family members, lack of mutual understanding and support become the cause of chronic anxiety that a child experiences while in the family. Over time, this can lead to fears. - The child has psychological and mental disorders
Also, the cause of fear may be the presence of neurosis in the child, the diagnosis and treatment of which is within the competence of medical workers. A manifestation of neurosis is childhood fears that are not typical for the age at which the child is, or correspond to his age, but acquire a pathological manifestation.
Types of children's fears
It is customary to distinguish three types of fears:
- Obsessive fears
The child experiences these fears under certain circumstances that can cause him to panic. For example, fear of heights, open spaces, crowded places large quantity people, etc. - Delusional fears
The presence of such fears indicates serious problems in the child’s psyche. Their reason is impossible to find and logically impossible to explain. For example, a child is afraid to play with a specific toy, wear certain clothes, open an umbrella, etc. But, if you discover such fear in your baby, you should not panic right away, you should try to find out the reason; perhaps he does not want to play with a certain toy due to objective reasons. For example, he may have hit himself hard or had a painful fall while playing with this toy before. - Overvalued fears
These fears are the product of the child’s imagination; they are the ones that occur in 90% of cases when working with children. First, such fears are correlated with a certain life situation, but then they take over the child’s thoughts so much that he can’t think about anything else. For example, the fear of the dark, which in a child’s imagination is “infested with terrible monsters.”
Age-related childhood fears
Psychologists identify childhood fears that appear at a certain age, are considered normal, and disappear over time with normal development.
- 0–6 months – fear is caused by unexpected loud sounds, sudden movements, falling objects; absence of the mother, and sudden changes in her mood, general loss of support;
- 7–12 months – fear can be caused by loud noises; people whom the child sees for the first time; changing clothes; sudden change of situation; height; drain hole in the bathroom or swimming pool, helplessness in the face of an unexpected situation;
- 1–2 years – fear can be caused by loud noises; separation from parents; falling asleep and waking up, bad dreams; strangers; bathtub or pool drain hole; fear of injury; loss of control over emotional and physical functions;
- 2–2.5 years – fear of losing parents, emotional rejection on their part; unknown children of the same age; percussion sounds; possible occurrence of nightmares; changes in the environment; manifestations of the elements - thunder, lightning, rain;
- 2–3 years – large, incomprehensible, “threatening” objects, for example, washing machine; changes in the usual way of life, emergency events (death, divorce, etc.); changes in the location of familiar objects;
- 3–5 years – death (the understanding comes that life is finite); nightmares; robber attacks; natural disasters; fire; illness and surgery; snakes;
- 6–7 years – fairy-tale characters (witches, ghosts); fear of loss (getting lost or losing mom and dad), loneliness; fear of not meeting parents' expectations in studies, fears associated with school; fear of physical violence;
- 7–8 years – dark ominous places (basement, closet), natural disasters and catastrophes, loss of attention and acceptance, love from others (peers, teachers, parents); fear of being late for school, exclusion from school and home life; physical punishment; lack of acceptance at school;
- 8–9 years old – inability to play games, at school; exposure to lies or undesirable behavior; fear of physical violence; fear of losing parents, quarrels with parents;
- 9–11 years old – inability to achieve success at school or in sports; illness; certain animals; heights, spinning (some carousels can cause fear); people who pose a threat (drug addicts, hooligans, drunks, etc.);
- 11–13 years – defeat; unusual personal actions; own appearance and attractiveness; illness and death; sexual violence; criticism from adults; own insolvency; loss of personal belongings.
How to work with childhood fears
Children's fears, which adults do not pay attention to, can result in negative consequences, such as problems communicating with peers, aggressiveness, difficulties in social adaptation, neuroses and complexes. Therefore, it is important for adults to pay attention in time to the child’s fears, understand whether they are pathological in nature, and, depending on this, independently try to help the child or seek help from a specialist.
If you have questions about children’s fears, you can contact a psychologist on the portal “I am a parent” in the section “For Parents” - “Question to a Psychologist”.
Children and parents can get advice from qualified specialists on all issues of concern, including a psychologist on issues of childhood fears, via the Unified All-Russian Helpline.
The first step in helping is to identify the fear. This can be done during confidential conversation with a child. You can ask your child if he is afraid of specific things. This only becomes advisable if the child has already reached the age of three. A parent can gently and leisurely ask the child about fears, without focusing on any of them, so as not to lead to fixation and suggestion. During the conversation, encourage and praise your baby. If you detect fear, react calmly and confidently, because the child reads your emotional state. So, if a child’s fear frightens an adult, the child may worry even more. Ask your child to describe the fear, tell him what it looks like, what he feels, in what situations the feeling of fear comes to him, and what the baby would like to do with it. As a rule, children happily agree to send him to the North Pole, lock him in a high tower, etc.
Another effective method– together with your child, compose a fairy tale about fear, which must certainly end with the protagonist’s victory over fear.
- a fun and useful activity. While drawing, you can have a conversation, ask the child about his fear and invite him to look for solutions. And upon completion of drawing fear, you can burn the sheet with the drawing, explaining to the baby that in this way you burn his fear along with the drawing, and it will not bother him anymore. The burning must be carried out in the form of some kind of ritual, constantly encouraging and praising the baby for how brave he is, focusing on how well he dealt with fear.
Works great in combating fears dramatization or game– it is worth noting that the use of this method is widely used by psychologists. Children in the group come up with stories about their fears and, with the help of a psychologist, act out the stories in the group. Next, parents can replay the situation with the child at home, but only if this does not cause negativity in him.
It is important to remember that fears are common to everyone and should not be feared. It is important for parents to learn to accept their children as they are, with all their fears and anxieties. After all, if there is a confident, reliable and accepting parent nearby, overcoming fear becomes a matter of time for the child. All that is required from mom and dad in overcoming children’s fears is to be close to the child, be able to listen to him, identify the baby’s fear in time, and find The right way combat this fear: on your own or with the help of a specialist.
Maria Merolaeva
Advises Anna Harutyunyan, psychologist-consultant, specialist in child-parent relations:
— Fears themselves are natural for a small child. And it’s not always worth protecting him from them so much. There are fears that are characteristic only of a certain age - the child outgrows them and ceases to be afraid. For example, babies are afraid of unexpected sharp sounds, being left alone without their mother, etc. Children school age are often afraid of bad grades or ridicule from peers (due to appearance, For example). Such childhood fears are even useful: by overcoming them, the child grows up. But everything is good in moderation. Fears - their number and strength of influence - must be feasible for the child’s psyche. If your child can’t cope on his own, then you need to help him overcome anxiety. Otherwise, fears will develop into neuroses, insomnia, and then into more serious diseases - then even a specialist will find it difficult to find out where the health problem came from and what became its true cause.
Groups of children's fears
1. “I’m afraid that Babayka will take me away”
Fears provoked or instilled by parents.
For example, when a mother does not approach a screaming baby for a long time. Or he constantly takes care of the baby: “Don’t go there, otherwise you will fall,” “Don’t take the knife, otherwise you will cut yourself,” etc. Or warns: “This girl is bad, but that boy is a bully.” Many mothers and grandmothers like to scare an obstinate child with horror stories about Baba Yaga or about someone else’s uncle, a wolf, who will pick him up and drag him away if he doesn’t listen. In such a situation, you should not be surprised that the child wakes up and screams at night. Observe yourself, how often do you use the phrase “I’m afraid that...” in conversations with other people. Children very sensitively perceive the state of their parents, their self-doubt, excitement, worry about something and begin to be afraid themselves. In addition, a child at a younger age cannot always explain to himself why his mother, always so kind and affectionate, suddenly yelled or spanked him. He cannot show aggression towards his mother, whom he loves. So negative characters like monsters appear, and negative emotions find a way out through them.
2. “I’m afraid of the monster under the bed!”
Fear of something specific - darkness, loneliness, death, dogs, bad grades at school, cartoon monsters.
They are the easiest to deal with. The child needs to calmly and patiently explain the groundlessness of such fears. Show how this or that “scary” mechanism works, how it works (for example, if a child is afraid of a vacuum cleaner or a noisy elevator).
3. “I’m afraid, but I don’t know what”
Unconscious anxiety that seems to be unrelated to anything.
Talk to your child, remember together when he began to be afraid, what events preceded his fears. Perhaps it was a scary cartoon or an “adult” movie, your quarrel with your husband (the more mom and dad argue in front of the children, the more fears they have), an incident on the street (for example, someone else’s dog attacked him) or someone else’s offended in kindergarten, school.
4. “I’m afraid because it’s necessary.”
By talking about his fear, the child is simply manipulating his parents.
For example, because he wants to attract attention to himself and be with his mother more often. Or sleep in your parent's bed, although he is already big. If this is the case, then you need to let him know that he has been figured out, and explain that there is time for him, and there is time for other things. If he is used to falling asleep with his mother, try to change this ritual. Replace lying with your child until he falls asleep with reading a book before bed, for example. Then you can sit with your child for another 5-10 minutes, discuss with him the past day, plans for tomorrow, talk, and then still leave him to sleep alone. Explain that now is the time for parents to communicate with each other, and his time with them is over. And show firmness in response to his manipulations. It is impossible to always satisfy all the needs of a child; sooner or later he needs to learn to be independent.
How to help a child overcome fear?
- Give your child more attention.
- Sit on your lap more often, hug, take your hand, look into your eyes when you talk.
- Tell him how much you love him and are always ready to protect him.
- Let the child tell in detail what the monsters and monsters that frighten him look like, what kind of head, arms and legs his horror story has, and then draw or sculpt it. Something abstract is always scarier than something more concrete. When the enemy is known in detail, he is no longer so terrible, and it is easier to fight him. After this, the drawn monster can be burned (you can even allow yourself to set fire to the paper in a saucepan and then pour water on it) or tear it up. Any ritual of destruction will do - it all depends on your imagination.
- Include humor. For example, tell your child a secret that monsters are very afraid of loud sounds. Therefore, monsters or beasts that are hiding in the corners can be frightened by loud songs, tiger growls, firecrackers, etc., and then they will run away.
- Explain. Many scary things (for example, scary shadows on the wall at night, sounds from the street, the noise of a thunderstorm, etc.) can find a completely logical explanation.
What should parents not do if their child is afraid of something?
- Do not punish for demonstrated “cowardice.” It will be even worse if the baby, in order not to lose your love, begins to hide the fact that he is very afraid of something. Fears will go inside and develop into neurosis. It will be very difficult to get rid of them later.
- Do not sort things out with your husband (or your parents or other adults) in front of your child. A nervous, restless environment in the home contributes to the cultivation of children's fears. The less love there is in a family, the more fears there are.
- Do not force your child to overcome fear at any cost. For example, if he is afraid of dogs, force him to pet the animal. Let him first observe them from afar, at a safe distance.
- Do not allow watching “scary” films before bed. It’s better to read a book or watch some good cartoon.
- Never shame or ridicule a child.
- Don’t call him a coward, don’t say “that you’re spoiled and acting like a girl”, “boys shouldn’t be afraid”, etc.
Questions and answers
The son begs for monsters as a gift. Is it possible to buy scary toys for children?
Oksana Krivovyaz, Mytishchi
— The belief that a child should not have scary toys is widespread. And many people specifically buy only soft, cuddly animals for children. But it's not right. In the same way, it is wrong to divide toys by gender: dolls are only for girls, cars are for boys. We need toy monsters! A child can break them and “kill” them in the game. So, through toys, he kills his fears, reduces the level of anxiety and calms down internally. When the internal problem is solved by the child, he himself will lose interest in this toy. There should be children's pistols and weapons too. When a child plays war, he splashes out aggression and negative energy. After all, in the real world there is aggression and cruelty, the child must learn to cope with them, and the parents’ task is to help him do this adequately.
How to react if a child is afraid that we will all die? How to calm him down?
Olga Panova, Saratov
All a child’s fears are in one way or another connected with the fear of not being, and the fear of death worries most children. Children from the very early age are faced with death - dead bugs, the content of films and cartoons, so it is undesirable to hush up and try to avoid this topic. Talk to your child about death. After all, the unknown scares us the most. Tell us that all living things have their own cycle of birth, growing up and dying. It is better to avoid such explanations that death is an eternal sleep. Then the child will definitely be afraid to fall asleep. First of all, children are afraid of death because they are afraid of being left without their parents. Explain that this is still far away, that the child himself will first have to grow up, mature, that many interesting and joyful events await him ahead. What happens to a person after death? This can be explained from the point of view of your own ideas: for example, that only the body dies, and the soul is immortal, etc.
The editors of the magazine Matrona.RU received a letter from a mother who was alarmed by the behavior of her eight-year-old daughter. Answered by Veronica Petrova, an employee of the Megapolis psychological center, an analytical psychologist, child and family psychotherapist at the Vienna Institute of Intertegrative Psychotherapy OKIDs.
My daughter is 8 years old. Lately she began to be afraid to be under the sun without a hat. There is an explanation for this: 2 years ago my daughter suffered a heatstroke and since then she has always worn a hat and cannot calm down without it. But during this year, fears more similar to phobic disorder began to appear. For example, fear of overeating, she is afraid to have dinner after 20.00.
The child has become restless, constantly on the negative side, I am already at a loss as to how to communicate with her so as not to harm her. Tell me what can be done in this case? How serious is the situation?
Hello!
It is very good that you do not ignore your child’s fears and experiences. Moreover, 8 years is the time when the problem can still be dealt with with the help of a psychologist or psychotherapist. The sooner you contact a specialist, the less time it will take to work with fear. If you do not act, then fears gradually become entrenched, layered, inhibit the child’s development and prevent him from fully developing his intellectual potential. Fears take up so much energy that the child begins to get tired quickly, loses interest in studying, and sometimes even in games and any active activity.
You may be asking why I refer you to a psychologist or psychotherapist instead of giving you simple recommendations. The fact is that, based on the peculiarities of the child’s developmental history, family relations, the nature and presence of traumatic factors, the specialist finds the cause that is specific to this child and chooses an individual way of working with him.
I will try to briefly tell you about possible sources of fear.
So: 7-8 years is the time when one of the leading fears is the fear of death. This could be the fear of a parent's death, or one's own. But fears often do not act directly, but look for workarounds so as not to be caught and exposed. It is good if the child can directly ask or say what is bothering him. But at the age of 8, the naive spontaneity of a preschooler already disappears, and the child most often cannot simply talk about his feelings and experiences. In addition, there is a fear of being funny, somehow different, incorrect. At this age, it is easier to talk about your experiences indirectly, through a game or drawing.
Of course, fear may be based on some traumatic event. For example, as in your case - heatstroke. You do not write anything about how badly the child suffered. It’s one thing if it was a slight illness... Then the cause of fear lies in another area, and heat stroke is just a trigger. But if the child’s condition was serious, with loss of consciousness or hospitalization, then the fear of a repetition of this traumatic event forces one to defend itself.
But it is important not only what the child’s condition was, but also the reaction of others. For example, in the case of one girl, her mother was so frightened by an exhibitionist who approached them on the street that the girl refused to leave the house for a long time, although she herself did not even understand what had happened and the reason for her mother’s screams. And then, we see that the fear of the parent himself worked here and ricocheted into the child. In such cases, several meetings with the child are enough, and then work with the mother’s fears. Children are very sensitive to the unconscious experiences of an adult, and the less worried parents are, the more secure and confident children feel.
It is also important who is raising the child, are there grandparents? What are the relationships between adults in the family? Does the child have brothers or sisters?
And also a number of questions that it would be important for me, as a specialist, to ask you to clarify the nature of your child’s fears.
And in conclusion, I want to give you some simple recommendations that will help ease your symptoms while you are looking for a specialist.
1) Remember that for a child, fears are real, serious experiences. You shouldn’t convince him that it’s not at all scary or that nothing will happen if you eat after 20.00. Instead, ask about what she thinks might happen. Find some compromise or protection. This will relieve the condition for a while.
2) Try to look at the problem or tormenting fear through the eyes of the child himself. Perhaps you will be able to see the real reason for it.
3) Be honest with your child, tell him about your feelings. Thus, you teach him to talk about his own.
4) Offer to draw your mood or fear. For example, how the sun causes sunstroke. Offer to play this, “talk” to the sun and find a common language with it.
5) Do not overprotect your child, but be attentive to what is happening in his child's life. And also do not refuse help if the child asks for it.
6) Allow your child to express aggression, teach him to do it in an acceptable form. Voice his feelings, including negative ones. (For example: “You’re angry because I won’t let you watch an adult movie,” etc.)
And, of course, give your child a feeling of stability, calm, support and love.
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Childhood fears- a common phenomenon. The ability to experience fear is the key to successful survival. And this is not surprising, because when you are still too young, it is difficult to understand what is dangerous and what is not. It’s better to run away from everything that even seems like it to you. But there is another side to this coin. Unresolved in time, childhood fears can develop into pathology and have a disastrous effect on the entire future fate of a person.
Not to mention that even in childhood fears, to which parents did not respond or responded inadequately, can lead to increased negativity in the child, anxiety, and even withdrawal from reality. In the first case, the child will begin to behave demonstratively, deliberately attracting the attention of others, and in the absence of a positive reaction, he will switch to calling for a negative one, as long as there is some. In the second, the child’s self-esteem may drop sharply, he will begin to fear failure, and stop taking initiative. If he escapes reality, the child will be both anxious and demonstrative. More and more he will try to stay in the world of his own fantasies, feeling protected only there.
Of course, loving parents They won’t allow this to happen. But how can you determine that a child really needs help, and that he is not just once again afraid of some mere trifle? To do this, you first need to learn more about children's fears, as such.
What are children's fears? At the age of 2-3 years, the baby may be afraid of sharp sounds. This is one of the most common animals, since in nature any sharp sound almost always means danger. Living in cities, we are accustomed to the constant horns of cars, factories and other ships, but the baby is afraid of them instinctively; he does not yet understand that the sounds themselves do not pose any danger. The second common fear that manifests itself already at this age is the fear of the dark. Children are also afraid of pets, again, because they are not yet used to them, and any unfamiliar animal on an instinctive level means danger for a child.
At 3-4 years old The child has imagination begins to develop and this results in fear of one’s own fantasies. This is one of the most difficult periods, since such fear can no longer be physically removed, like a cat from a room, for example, or by turning on a night light, but it is also difficult to eliminate it with the help of rationalization, due to the fact that the baby still learns everything about the world mainly through emotions. Most often, children are frightened by the play of shadows, cartoon characters, and their own dreams.
From the age of five, The child has Adult fears appear, such as fear of losing a loved one, fear of death, fear of serious illness.
How should parents not behave? Scolding the baby. “So big, but you’re afraid of such stupidity! Aren’t you ashamed?” In no case, this will only add guilt to the feeling of fear and the child may withdraw into himself, forced to experience his fears alone.
Put yourself as an example. "Look at me - I'm not afraid!" What a great guy you are! You feel good, you are big and strong, but what is it like for a child? He is looking for support from you, that you are omnipotent and can cope with anything, he has no doubts yet.
Avoid what the child is afraid. “You don’t like the toy - we’ll hide it!” You can hide a toy, but you cannot hide fear. He will pursue the child for a long time if he is not defeated.
How should you behave to help your child overcome fear? Show that you are nearby. Do not dissuade the child that he has nothing to fear, but show that you will protect him from anything. This is an ancient mechanism, the baby expects and desires exactly this - the conviction that his mom and dad are nearby.
Show that you understand it. You need to make it clear that you understand what exactly the child is afraid of, but be sure to protect him from it.
Promise him that everything will be okay Fine. Just take the child in your arms, rock him and tell him that everything will be fine, then he will quickly calm down. In this case, it is the dads who cope very well - their low voices calm the child even better than the mother’s, instilling in him a feeling of security and safety.
Encourage your child be brave. But this must be done delicately. Do not bring up in him some next stupid “You are a future man! You must...”, but instead simply rejoice with him when the child managed to overcome another fear and express confidence that he will also deal with future fears just as easily. Remind him of his victories, rather than dwelling on his failures.
How to overcome fear? This is only "", to fully overcome fear, you will need to give it a real fight. There are several techniques to overcome fear. The main thing is to remember that you need to influence the emotional sphere of the child to a greater extent than the rational one. The child's numerous beliefs that the room remains exactly the same when it is dark as when it is light will have almost no effect. It is better to leave it in the dark and light the rest of the rooms. Then go into a dark room with the child, holding his hand. Get out as soon as the child becomes scared. Over time, he will get used to it, and your joint “trips” to the scary room will continue longer and longer until he learns to cope without you at all.
Also very useful there is a play out of the situation. Let the fictional character find himself in situations where he is attacked by your child's fears. Let him find a way out of this difficult situation, emerges victorious. This will also develop in the child the ability to resist his own fear. There are real, so-called therapeutic fairy tales. This is a psychological practice that allows you to influence a child through the world of fairy tales that he understands.
If you haven't been able to do it for a long time conquer childhood fear, a reasonable solution may be to contact a specialist for help. But under no circumstances should you give up on childhood fears and think that he will simply outgrow them. There is too great a danger for him to acquire an unpleasant phobia for life.
Reasonable peace of mind for parents - the best remedy from childhood fear.
People, having become adults, are no longer able to understand how painful it is to be afraid of everything.
Ghost under the closet
At dusk, in the darkness, the irrepressible imagination of our children and grandchildren turns the curtains into moving ghosts, the closet door opens imperceptibly to the eye, letting out something black and incomprehensible, from the corner of the room something is constantly looking at the child...
Fears develop along with our children; each age often has its own fear. At 2-3 years old, a child may be afraid of punishment, pain, doctors, loneliness; at 3-4 years old, fears appear related to the development of the child’s imagination, the same fear of the dark, unknown monsters and ghosts living under the closet. Later, the fear of death appears when ordinary natural situations - for example, a thunderstorm - can cause panic, as they threaten the life of the child and his loved ones.
Fears greatly prevent a little person from living and developing. They torment him, eat away at his soul and cause neurotic disorders: enuresis, tics, stuttering, bad dream, irritability, causeless aggressiveness, inability to find contact with others - and this is an incomplete list unpleasant consequences, to which childhood fear that was not overcome at the time leads.
Fear fosters fear
All children are afraid of something. Of course, because they are surrounded by a completely unexplored world, in which they look up at almost everything that surrounds them. Sometimes a baby can be frightened by something that would seem stupid to any adult. Therefore, adults themselves often commit stupid things, without thinking about how a carelessly thrown word or an ill-considered action will respond in a child’s mind. So mental health Our children largely depend on how competent our words and behavior are.
Let's start with the fact that excessive parental care greatly contributes to instilling in a child a wary attitude towards the world around him. By protecting a little person from the slightest trouble, we teach him to be afraid of everything. And what about our numerous shouts at the baby’s attempts to touch what surrounds him! What scares him here, rather, is not the situation, but our reaction to it. As a result, the child perceives only the second part of the phrases: “Don’t walk, you’ll fall,” “Don’t pick it up, you’ll get dirty,” “Don’t pet it, it’ll bite you.”
We really want children to listen to us. But they don’t always succeed. Then, in an effort to strengthen the educational moment, we begin to scare: “I won’t buy you any more toys!”, “If you don’t listen, the wolf will take you into the forest!” and stuff like that. So: children should never be frightened for the sake of obedience! They will be afraid of what is necessary and not necessary even without us, and so we only increase their fear many times over. The consequences of education by fear are anxious suspiciousness, passivity and suppression of any initiative.
The constant talk in the house about illnesses and misfortunes, a kind of pervasive pessimism in everything, does not contribute to the formation of a calm attitude towards reality. If adults in the family see life primarily as troubles and difficulties, then naturally they will not teach their child a cheerful outlook on the environment. But small children perceive Big world through the attitude of his parents towards him.
You can instill unnecessary fear in a person by ineptly instilling fearlessness in him. Some parents, believing that this is what makes them look courageous, put their three-year-old child to bed alone. dark room, wish him Good night and leave the nursery until the morning. The child, of course, will fall asleep sooner or later, but completely exhausted by fear. And he will grow up not to be courageous, but to be neurotic." Pediatric neurologists, in principle, do not recommend leaving a child under 5 years old alone at night. If you really want your child to quickly wean himself from being rocked by an infant, do not lie down with him, but sit next to him in a chair and read in the light table lamp until he falls asleep.
The constant supportive presence of parents is what most helps children overcome their fears. The child constantly asks us questions “where?”, “where to?”, “from where?” and when?" largely because he fears something he knows nothing about. Be patient: the more complete your answers to these “eternal” questions are, the more the child knows, the more confident he will feel and the less afraid he will be. Children who are confident in themselves and their abilities almost never have nightmares and do not suffer from obsessive fears. Parents can criticize and punish them, but at the same time constantly support them, emphasizing their big and small achievements, be it their first steps or a solved problem. And here love decides everything: children whom their parents accept and love for who they are, with all their shortcomings and imperfections, are always calmer than their peers, who cause eternal displeasure from their father or mother.
Tear and burn
Calmness is the main way parents can respond to the fear of a child they notice. Just do not confuse calmness with indifference, which, like excessive anxiety, can lead to aggravation of the problem. Sit the little person next to him or on your lap, talk to him, let him talk about what he feels and describe the fear itself. The more a child talks about what he is afraid of, the faster he will overcome it.
There are also instrumental ways to deal with fear. One of them is to compose a fairy tale or story with your child on the topic of his fear. Let the childhood fantasy that gave birth to this fear work - with your guiding participation - to overcome it. The end of the fairy tale must necessarily be about how the hero defeats all his enemies.
Next up is drawing. Ask your child to draw on a piece of paper what he is afraid of, that very dark monster or Baba Yaga. Sit next to him and watch how the baby does this. Observe carefully what is reflected on his face at this moment, what feelings fill him. Is the drawing ready? Now let the child deal with what scares him, and for starters, draw on his “fear” some funny ears, horns, mustaches, then cross out his drawing more densely and, in the end, tear the piece of paper with the image of the monster into small, small pieces . It would be nice to burn what remains of the piece of paper - with your help, of course.
Organize a game in which your child can overcome his phobias (we publish several games below). A game is the best psychotherapy for fear, especially if it is a fun game, because when we feel funny, we are not afraid. Games can teach you not to be afraid of pain, to overcome the fear of loneliness, the fear of the dark, the fear of making mistakes, etc. Let's say a child is afraid of the sound of a balloon bursting and therefore does not even pick it up. And you burst the balloon on purpose in his presence - and immediately laugh cheerfully at what happened and, intensifying your reaction, also applaud! A child in a situation that frightens him immediately turns to his parents - and then dad or mom doesn’t cry, but has fun! Repeat this several times and you will see that the baby will soon cease to be afraid of these sharp sounds, and maybe he himself will ask you to show this trick.
toy library "RG"
In the fight against fears, the simplest and most well-known games will provide you with invaluable help. They can only be slightly improved by adapting them to solve your problems.
Tag
Place chairs and tables around the room in disarray. The driver must “tarnish” the player by slapping him on the back or slightly lower. However, he does not have the right to reach the player through a chair or other furniture. Try to “stain” the child not just symbolically, but by tangibly slapping him. During the chase, let the leader shout out phrases like: “Well, just wait!”, “You’ll get it from me!”, “I’ll catch up and eat you!” - and similar comic threats that will help the child get rid of the fear of an unexpected threat or punishment in real life.
Hide and seek
Play this game with the lights turned off or, for starters, dimmed, explaining to your child that finding a person without light is much more difficult and it is more interesting to play this way. If you are the driver, then try to make the child want to hide in an unlit room. When going on a search, look into the dark part of the apartment, think out loud that you are scared and you will never go there, and your child, of course, will never dare to hide there. After some time, the baby, hiding in a dark room, will certainly want to “torment” his cowardly parent. After all, children love to fight other people's shortcomings, and even more so with their parents.
