Sex in a relationship is important, as are heartfelt conversations, romance, and a joint solution of domestic issues. But sometimes problems begin in relationships, which is why intimate life collapses in the first place. In this article, we will tell you how to persuade your wife to have sex, why a beloved and once passionate woman avoids intimacy and refuses it.
Introduction
The main problem in relationships, why a woman loses all interest in sex, is dissatisfaction in sex. Unlike men, who immediately notice whether they are pleased or not during intercourse, the fair sex sometimes manages to deceive their partner, imitate pleasure and orgasm. But the one-sided game cannot last long, because the woman begins to feel inferior, unsatisfied.
Sex allows you to throw out the accumulated energy, relax and protect yourself from worldly worries, but in most cases, girls just have to endure, please their husband, but receive nothing in return.
Serious problem
When a husband and wife have problems in bed, they need to be addressed immediately, because this is evidence that the marriage is starting to crumble. Of course, sex is not the main thing, but intimate life is important in a relationship. Firstly, because this is a way to trust each other, and the lack of tenderness, caresses and touches indicates that a thick wall appears between husband and wife, which cannot be broken through. Secondly, sex life is a great way to move away from all everyday problems, relax and enjoy the warmth of each other. In other words, a simple intercourse should not overshadow romance, conversations, joint activities and attention, but at the same time it should not be forgotten and ignored.
Main reasons
- Problems between husband and wife arise when the fair sex feels unsatisfied. In this case, both can be to blame. The husband, because he does not seek to give pleasure to his beloved, but only requires attention to himself. The wife, because she does not want to become more feminine and sexy, choosing old grandmother's leggings, washed underwear and stretched T-shirts that treacherously talk about what the girl cooked for dinner.
- Your wife is really tired. Men tirelessly like to repeat that the 21st century has removed all obligations from a woman, and all that remains for her is to sit on social networks and enjoy a soft sofa. But even the presence of a dishwasher and washing machines does not save the girl from raising children, cooking, solving everyday issues, because most men limit their activities only to work and reproaches that the fair sex has nothing to get tired of.
- When you and the girl just met, the relationship between you flared up with a bright flame, and after a while the fire began to die out. What's the matter? Perhaps you no longer excite your beloved. Analyze how your lifestyle has changed, appearance and zest for life. If a few years ago you could not live a day without training, could not sleep at night, rave about your dream, make it come true, now you may have acquired a small beer belly, and all you are interested in is a trip with friends to bar, computer games and lazy household chores. This does not excite women, because relationships are when a couple develops together, and if this does not happen, then one definitely begins to suffer.
In fact, there are many reasons why a wife refuses to have sex. This may be the birth of a child, when a newly-made mother at a psychological level cannot even think about intimacy, as well as a serious quarrel or betrayal, the appearance of a third person in a relationship. But one thing is clear: when excuses or reproaches appear that men only need sex, then it's time to seriously understand the problems, because no career, everyday problems, financial trouble cannot interfere with a healthy and fulfilling relationship.
Method 1. Give her romance
Arrange an unforgettable evening for your beloved, surround her with attention and make her the center of a small family celebration so that you both forget about all worldly worries. Sometimes women really miss a sudden candlelit dinner at home, a relaxing massage, or going to a concert of her favorite band.
Don't expect simple romantic music to liberate your loved one, especially after prolonged absence sex. You may not be able to get what you are striving for, because the woman will only begin to relax. In order to rekindle the fire of passion, it is necessary to surround with attention and care more than once. And this does not sound mercantile or selfish, because many men do not understand that the lack of intimacy is a global problem that affects the deepest corners of the soul of your soulmate.
It is important to understand that you need to arrange a romantic date with your wife at a convenient time for her: not after a long and exhausting work week, not after a hard day spent with small children, not during an illness. Do you want to do something nice? Prepare your wife for a family event in advance: send the children to their grandmother or hire a nanny, help her quickly cope with all household chores so that your beloved does not think about the abyss of problems in which she gets bogged down more and more every day. After such romantic music, a fragrant dinner, a clean apartment, well-groomed children, pleasant and the right gift will do their job.
Method 2. Talk heart to heart
Usually the problem of lack of sex occurs in people who have crossed the 35-year milestone. In such cases, a man may hear that a career, children, but not intimacy, are now more important for a woman. In most cases, the answer to this problem is that the woman has simply stopped being attracted to her husband. At the dawn of the relationship, she was in love, perhaps believed in perfect life after marriage and hurried, making any responsible decisions, but years later the passion passed, and instead came awareness.
In this case, the couple should talk heart to heart, not hiding anything from each other. Tired of classic sex? Add colors, it can be toys, exciting underwear, role-playing games and even intimate threesome. Try and experiment, do not be afraid to trust each other and step over your principles in order to return the former fire in a relationship.
Method 3. Auxiliary means
It happens that a couple lacks that cherished spark in order to re-experience each other's passion and desire. In this case, an erotic film for two will help. At night, turn on the recording you like, you can complement the pleasant atmosphere with candles, aromatic oils with the smell of patchouli or ylang-ylang, a hot bath. A gentle massage, a glass of hot wine helps to relax and position the girl.
Of course, before you persuade your wife to have sex in this way, it is necessary to discuss which genre of erotic film should be included. Don't be shy if your lover likes BDSM or multi-girl videos.
Method 4. Pay attention to health
As a rule, when the wife begins to look for love and tenderness on the side. But first of all, it is worth understanding the true reasons for such coldness. Often the problem is solved by going to the gynecologist and endocrinologist, prescribing certain medicines.
How to persuade a wife to have sex, who refuses not only intimacy, but also ordinary caresses? Contact a sexologist, go through a complete medical examination, hand over everything necessary tests and convince your beloved that this is necessary not only for the sake of increasing libido and desire, but also for her own physical and psychological health. Usually the reason lies in the endocrine system and gynecology. For example, this may be due to chronic infectious diseases, inflammation of the ovaries, cysts and neoplasms, hormonal imbalance. Of course, many tests are carried out only for a fee, but the wife's body will thank you for your help and support.
Method 5. Psychological support
Before you learn how to persuade your wife to have sex, you need to understand why your beloved refuses intimacy. The reason may be both psychological and emotional problems that have disturbed the peace of mind of the fair sex.
Find out what's bothering your loved one. Perhaps she has complexes about her appearance and is embarrassed to go to the gym, or she is worried about financial trouble in the family, lack of attention from her husband and children, because of a conflict at work or pressure from the director.
Method 6. Psychological help
If conversations do not help, however, as well as manipulations, quarrels and reproaches, then it's time to contact a family psychologist. There are now enough specialists, especially qualified ones, to get to the truth and eradicate the problem.
As mentioned above, sometimes the rejection of intimacy hides not just a revision of values and a reference to fatigue, but the problem is much more serious. After the first sessions, the psychologist will be able to detect the problem and suggest ways to solve it. But even here it is very important that the husband and wife unite, become one. In order for a specialist to really help, a couple needs to open their soul without hesitation, entrust even their most intimate secrets and emotional experiences to a stranger. And when solutions are found, then the husband and wife must make every effort to return the former passion to the relationship.
Method 7. Eternal conflicts
Many men wonder how to persuade their wife to have sex after a quarrel. The answer is simple: no need to persuade. If you feel guilty, then first of all you should apologize, and sincerely and sensually.
In most cases, a woman refuses intimacy, because she simply lacks affection. Men, as a rule, are ready to attack their spouse, avoiding gentle touches, passionate kisses, languid glances. Do you want to get the coveted night? Turn on romantic music, start with hugs and take your time. You must completely relax both yourself and the woman. Feel your bodies, breath, voice, vibrations.
Important information
Women who so often reproach their men must accept one truth: sex is not only a need of the body, not exercise for maintaining health, not a whim of the chosen one, and certainly not his concern. Sex is an important element of relationships, however, as well as affection, tenderness, romance. Without intimacy, which can mean not only intercourse, but also quiet hours of heart-to-heart talk, a strong family cannot be built.
When a woman refuses a man, these are the first wake-up calls that some problems have appeared. Perhaps it is worth reconsidering your attitude towards each other, towards yourself, life, children, become less conservative and get rid of hypocrisy in order to return your former passion.
The birth of a child is always a miracle. Today, doctors recommend that married couples take a thorough and serious approach to the desire to have a child. It is necessary to prepare for future changes even before conception. In addition, it is important to be examined in advance by specialists.
The main stages of preparation for pregnancy
Preparing for conception and to the whole pregnancy consists of the following stages:
- Psychological readiness.
- Correction of chronic diseases.
- Proper nutrition and weight management.
- Fight bad habits.
- Ultrasound and other tests.
- Elimination of negative household and production factors.
Psychological readiness
First of all, preparation for the conception of a child of a man and a woman begins with a psychological factor. Spouses must be psychologically prepared and ready for conception and the birth of a child. It is important for future parents to understand that the birth of a baby will completely change their lifestyle. Most of the time they will have to devote to the child. You will probably have to give up travel and noisy parties. A woman has to sacrifice her career.
It is important for a man to understand in advance that after the birth of a baby, his wife will not be able to devote the same amount of time to him as before.
Both will have new troubles and worries. If the spouses are ready for this kind of change and agree to make certain sacrifices, you can proceed to the next steps of preparing for conception and pregnancy.
Treatment of chronic diseases
Before conception, and even more so during pregnancy, it is very important not to forget about your chronic diseases. Today, a successful pregnancy is possible in the presence of diseases such as diabetes, epilepsy, kidney disease. If you have a serious chronic illness before conceiving, consult your doctor for advice. The doctor will help you choose safe medicines to fight the disease that will not harm the fetus. In some cases, experts suggest simply reducing the dose and frequency of medications already being used.
Controlling your diet
Before conception, the expectant mother must understand that throughout the pregnancy it will be necessary to eat right. A woman's nutrition should be balanced and at the same time complete. healthy eating- Very important factor for the successful development and growth of the fetus inside the mother.
It is important to determine which foods are acceptable and required to be consumed during pregnancy, and which are better to abstain from.
During this special period, it is equally important to drink enough fluids daily.
And here is a list of products that it is better to refuse during this wonderful period:
Along with this, chocolate, unboiled milk, canned foods, oatmeal and semolina, exotic fruits and vegetables, as well as citrus fruits and nuts.
Weight control during pregnancy is also very important. A woman in position often has an increased appetite. Therefore, it is recommended to carefully monitor your diet. Experts advise to adhere to this calculation:
- In the first half of pregnancy, the daily diet of the mother should not exceed 2200 kilocalories. This is the standard daily allowance for a non-dieting woman.
- In the second half of pregnancy, indicators can be increased to 2500 kilocalories.
Gradually increasing performance, you will be able to stay in shape even in this position. Overweight as harmful during pregnancy as malnutrition.
Fight bad habits
All preparations begin with the rejection of bad habits. The most common of these is tobacco and alcohol. Moreover, both spouses must actively fight these addictions. For female body tobacco is very harmful. Stop smoking and alcohol should be long before the planned pregnancy. If your husband smokes, he needs to break up with this addiction two or even three months before conception. Often, tobacco causes miscarriages, changes the structure of sperm DNA.
Alcohol is no less destructive . Its overuse even before pregnancy can contribute to mental retardation.
Full body examination
One of the main stages in preparing for conception and pregnancy is visiting a certain kind of specialist. So, expectant mother during the examination you need to visit the following doctors:
During the examination, tests are prescribed to detect herpes or rubella. Also, when preparing and planning pregnancy, it is required to pass the following tests:
- Blood test for thyroid hormones.
- Blood clotting test.
- Make a smear from the vagina. It will determine the state of the microflora.
- Make an ultrasound of the thyroid gland and pelvic organs.
- Testing for HIV, AIDS and hepatitis.
- Scraping of the cervix.
Based on the results obtained, specialists will provide further recommendations and prescribe the necessary drugs. Often appointed accept vitamins of different categories. Vitamins themselves strengthen the immune system and reduce the risk of new diseases. For example, folic acid contributes to the successful formation of the fetal brain. Ascorbic acid actively fights bacteria and relieves inflammation that occurs. Good for sports and yoga.
Negative household and production factors
Those who work for hazardous industries, most commonly experienced Negative influence pesticides and other destructive elements. When planning a pregnancy, a woman should leave this type of work. Women planning motherhood are contraindicated in close contact with such objects.
Overvoltage is no less dangerous for the health of the mother and the unborn child. You can get it not only at work, but also at home. Some parents start renovations in the children's room during pregnancy. Repair work preferably done before the desired change occurs. It is important for a woman to protect herself from this kind of hard work.
Girls are mysterious creatures, they have their own quirks. Yesterday your soulmate was all upset, today she is already having fun with might and main, and tomorrow - who knows what she will be like tomorrow.
However, no matter what happens in the female head, her mistress still remains a gentle, sentimental, vulnerable person.. If an event / event is planned, you need to know how to prepare a girl to such a twist of the plot that there were no unpleasant surprises.
Take your time
It’s better not to postpone things for the last moment, but you shouldn’t rush, so as not to make people laugh, as one famous proverb says. First, think about how the girl might react to your decision / news, whether it's a statement that you need to end a relationship, or the news that your mother is coming to visit you at home. Does something depend on it in this case, or are there some external forces that it cannot influence? Will she manage on her own? Will she need help? These questions must be answered, and then appropriate conclusions drawn.
Explain rationally
For girls, feelings usually play the “first violin”, they easily give in to them, therefore, it is necessary to explain how significant this or that event is from a rational position. So there will be more chances that your listener's mind will overpower feelings. Lay it all out for her, what, how, where, when and why.
Press on the feelings
If your reasoning has not prevailed over your feelings, then you need to act differently.. Press on feelings women are best at it, but what can you do - you should also learn this technique. If this is not useful in life, then it will not be superfluous either. Show how much pain the current situation can bring, and also tell how you want to get out of it..
How to prepare a girl for the first sex
When it comes to how to prepare a girl for the first sex, we must remember that any pressure is contraindicated, since the effect may be opposite.. The guy should vice versa - support the girl in every possible way, be as delicate as possible. Fear of pain can stop her from the first proximity. Needless to say, a lot depends on you. Be as gentle, restrained as possible - then your partner will only enjoy the first sex. AND don't forget about trust V
Many experts call this phase stage, others - most of them today - consider it a legitimate and integral part of sexual intercourse. The point is that, although this stage there is no penetration, no woman - even a fantastically temperamental one - without words, caresses, strokes and touches can enter into intimacy. Of course, there are women so excitable that they need a minimum of words and caresses, but still it is necessary. Therefore, the expression foreplay, common 20-30 years ago, is practically not used by specialists today, and the beginning of sexual intercourse is counted precisely from the phase of arousal.
Most men do not need words, touches and strokes - just the sight of a naked (or better half-naked!) partner makes us erect. But this is the interaction of a man and a woman, and we know that beautiful ladies need 3-5, or even 10-15 minutes of the first stage. We, men, spend this stage mainly for our partners (what to do - that's how they, these women, are arranged!), although after 40 years, as a rule, we ourselves also need it.
At this stage, adequate stimulation of the woman is carried out, as a result of which her sexual arousal awakens, forms and grows. By adequate stimulation, we mean words, caresses, touches, strokes and other actions that this particular woman needs in this situation. The range of sexual influences here is unusually wide: most of the fair sex need tender words about love for her and her beauty, touches, strokes and kisses.
For the minority - strong hugs, passionate statements more about the desire to possess her than about love, strong kisses that leave traces on the skin. Quite a minority (but this, by the way, every eighth woman!) Needs replicas and not at all censorship (but at the same time sexy!) And caresses that outwardly resemble aggression. It is important to keep in mind that both the one and the other, and the third way to excite a woman can be called adequate if it matches the sexual style of a particular partner. So, the most gentle strokes with the most affectionate speeches (You are my good ... You are my sweetheart ... You are my beloved girl ...) will not become adequate exciting actions for a woman who needs a strong, painful, chest compression and sharp passionate words.
Stage 2 - plateau stage.
It is characterized by the woman's desire to take the penis into the vagina and start friction. The nature and intensity of frictional movements, their rhythm, direction and depth of insertion of the penis can be different. They are selected and tested by each pair individually.
A common feature of the plateau stage is subjective feeling maintaining excitation at a certain level for some time without increasing, for which the phase got its name. However, despite the lack of a sense of increasing arousal, objective physiological changes continue to take their course.
During the plateau phase, the flow of blood to the genitals continues: the labia, vagina, body of the uterus and other organs of the small pelvis.
The lumen of the vagina is greatly narrowed due to overflowing with blood of the tissues surrounding it. The narrowing provides closer contact between the sensitive areas of the vagina and the penis, and, consequently, their more active stimulation. Due to this, the large size of the penis is not necessary condition satisfaction of a woman during intercourse. The physiological narrowing of the vagina allows it to actively respond to contact even with a partner's small penis. This mechanism is especially effective when the introduction of the penis is carried out in a timely manner, that is, already against the background of the unfolding processes of sexual arousal, a rush of blood to the genitals and the beginning narrowing of the vagina.
Knowledge and understanding of the physiology of sexual reactions, correct technique sexual intercourse will avoid many sexual problems.
At the end of the plateau phase, the vaginal muscles tense up and wrap tightly around the penis.
Stage 3 - stage of orgasm, is the culminating phase of sexual intercourse and harmoniously completes all of the above processes with a powerful neuromuscular discharge, already described in the previous chapter.
Stage 4 - the stage of resolution or the phase of reverse development.
During it comes a feeling of satisfaction and relaxation. As noted above, the feeling that arises largely depends not so much on the severity of physiological reactions during orgasm, their quantitative or intense indicators, but on a number of psychological moments: the emotional contact of partners, the conformity of the technique of sexual intercourse, the environment in which it took place, partner's reactions to the expectations that the woman had.
During the resolution stage, all the changes that occurred in the first three stages disappear rather quickly (within 2-5-10 minutes), the body returns to its original state, all the changes that have occurred to it seem to spin back - to the starting point, as in a film shot backwards. That is why this phase is called phase of reverse development.
In cases where a woman has reached the level of arousal characteristic of the plateau phase, and she has experienced most of changes corresponding to this stage, and sexual intercourse or other sexual stimulation was stopped before orgasm occurred, congestion of the genital organs may persist for a long time. Prolonged stagnation of blood in the genitals is accompanied by unpleasant sensations in the lower abdomen. Women may notice a feeling of heaviness, pressure, itching in the genitals, sometimes pain. With these complaints, they often turn to gynecologists, and often they are diagnosed with "chronic inflammation of the appendages", "itching of the vagina and genital organs", "chronic colpitis", "endometriosis", etc. Gynecological treatment of these "diseases" can give a short-term positive effect, but if the true cause of the complaints is not found and eliminated, they often return again .. Sometimes, during the treatment, there is even an increase in pain.
Thus, the widespread opinion about the dangers of sexual activity without an orgasm for a woman's health is fully justified. However, it would be wrong to say that any sexual intercourse without an orgasm is harmful for a woman. It's not like that at all.
Firstly, only those sexual acts that are accompanied by a pronounced sexual arousal of a woman, but do not end with her orgasm, bring harm. In those cases when, during sexual intercourse, the excitation of a woman either did not arise at all, or only mild physiological changes occurred in the genital organs, characteristic of the initial stage of arousal, chronic overflow of the genital organs with blood does not occur. Such sexual acts do not bring the so-called physiological harm and do not lead to diseases, but they do not give sexual release.
It is possible to perceive and evaluate such a sexual life in different ways. Often, women note its positive aspects: it brings pleasant sensations, creates a general erotic mood, confidence in strength. family relations, in the love of a partner, etc. Psychoemotional satisfaction can largely determine a positive attitude towards sexual life and partnerships, even in cases where intimate contacts are not accompanied by orgasm. In the end, in intimacy between two people, the main thing is the expression of feelings for each other, mutual enjoyment of each other and the joy of giving and receiving pleasure. If these conditions are met and there is no frustration (a painful feeling of dissatisfaction, disappointment), the significance of orgasm decreases.
Some women are quite indifferent to sexual intercourse that does not lead to orgasm, however, for someone it can also cause unpleasant feelings of a psychological nature. You can often hear statements of approximately the following content: “Why do I need sex life if there are no pleasant sensations!”, “Only men enjoy sexual intercourse”, “Only men need sex life”, “I am an inferior woman, everyone has an orgasm , but I don’t”, up to more aggressive ones: “If I don’t have an orgasm, then my partner is not a real man.”
Secondly, it is not a single sexual act that is unfavorable, and not even several sexual acts that have not been completed in the form of an orgasm. Chronic dissatisfaction brings harm: physiological (leading to chronic stagnation of blood in the genitals), as well as psycho-emotional (due to chronic dissatisfaction - the frustration of existing sexual needs).
Readiness for sexual intercourse
In the previous chapter, we discussed what leads to orgasm and sexual satisfaction as a result of increased arousal during intercourse. Its appearance and growth is the result of exposure to erotic stimuli. They can be different: olfactory (smells), visual (admiring the beauty of the partner’s body; clothes that emphasize his sexuality, as well as viewing erotic pictures, films), auditory (music, sensual sounds, sighs, interjections, special words, sexually colored conversation) , tactile (gentle love touches; impact on special parts of the body - erogenous zones). However, with all the differences, they have a common property. The same stimuli are not for every woman and will not always have an erotic effect that causes sexual arousal and the desire for intimacy. Sexual arousal occurs only under the influence of adequate stimuli (stimuli that a certain woman perceives as exciting her) and only against the background of emotional readiness to perceive these stimuli in a sexual way. In the absence of such readiness, even very intense sexual stimulation will not lead to arousal. For example, the introduction of the penis into the vagina and intense frictional movements in the absence of readiness for their erotic, sexual perception will not only not cause excitement or at least pleasant sensations, but can often lead to psychological rejection of intimacy. Sometimes women in such situations say: "I have a feeling that something extraneous does not understand what and why it is doing in the vagina."
In this regard, perhaps, nothing is of such great importance for the emergence and growth of arousal, and, consequently, for achieving orgasm, as a woman's readiness for intimate contact.
The period of "sexual preparation" is accompanied by a reorientation of thoughts and feelings in an intimate way, a turn of the sensual and thought process into a sexual channel. In the presence of pronounced emotional readiness, even ordinary touches to any parts of the body, not to mention the most sensitive erogenous zones, can be perceived as powerful sexual stimuli. The whole body becomes an erogenous zone. A woman can feel the strongest excitement from touching her fingers, the occipital region and other parts of the body, which in a different situation, which does not have an intimate coloring, are completely indifferent.
How is psycho-emotional readiness for intimate contact formed? What does it depend on?
First of all, from the general emotional mood, from the content of thoughts with which a woman approaches the line where intimate contact begins. Even before the onset of sexual stimulation, a kind of “computer” begins to work in a woman’s head, often regardless of her consciousness and desire, which instantly evaluates a number of parameters.
It takes into account the desirability and appropriateness of sexual contact at a given moment and in a given setting, the emotional attitude towards a partner, his known or perceived personal and sexual qualities, the desirability and appropriateness of sexual contact with this particular partner.
The previous sexual experience is necessarily evaluated: how pleasant or unpleasant it was, how much the present situation or the present prospective partner correspond to the past situation and the past partner with whom past pleasant or unpleasant sensations arose.
The attitude of others, real and sometimes absent or even deceased, to the upcoming sexual contact is assessed. Thoughts may flash in my head: “What would my mother say if she found out”, “Nothing good can still be”, “I am being used”, “I still won’t succeed”, “Anyway, he won’t succeed "," If he loves me, then he should not do this (or vice versa "should do differently"), etc.
Evaluation of all this variety of parameters occurs instantly. Based on it, the brain, often unconsciously, produces a result, makes a “decision” - whether or not to respond to the current erotic stimulus, “to be or not to be” sexual arousal. This solution, as it were, switches the toggle switch to the desired position.
If "to be" - then the effects on the erogenous zones cause intense sexual sensations. A woman is included in the process of arousal, becomes more sensitive.
If the decision “not to be sexually aroused” is made, even very intense and varied sexual stimulation will be perceived as indifferent, or unnecessary, or annoying, or even painful. In a situation that is not related to intimate communication, which does not have sexual overtones for the patient, exposure to erogenous zones will not cause sexual sensations. A simple example: in the vast majority of women during a gynecological examination, the impact on sensitive erogenous zones causes sensations that are very far from sexual.
Approximately the same state of "asexuality" can occur if sexual intercourse is carried out at the wrong time or in the wrong environment, when thoughts are occupied with problems, when intimacy proceeds or is not planned the way a woman wants, not with someone she wants, etc. It is hard to expect that immediately after a thoughtful reading of professional literature, or fiction, but not related to the sphere of the relationship between a man and a woman, after complex accounting calculations, preparing lessons with a child or putting him to bed, a woman will immediately be set up in an intimate way. Reorientation takes time and some effort. And, of course, understanding by both the woman and the partner of the need for this time and the need for certain actions to create an erotic context.
Often, during a conversation with women, one has to hear complaints about the lack of mood for sexual contact at a time when they and their spouse go to bed. When we begin to clarify the situation, it turns out that until the last minute the woman either does household chores, or finishes some work, or reads a book (non-erotic content), or deals with children, etc. By the time the partners connect , a man is already internally ready for intimacy and, after an extremely short, formal foreplay, begins sexual intercourse. A woman at this time still cannot disconnect from her previous affairs. There is nothing surprising in the fact that with such constant sexual practice, and orgasm is not achieved and sexual desire does not arise.
It is worth, perhaps, to give a somewhat grotesque example, which very clearly demonstrates the results of the discrepancy between the degree of readiness of partners to start sexual intercourse.
A woman approached my colleague with complaints about problems in her sexual life. Her husband, a creative, excitable person, often experienced bouts of sexual desire in the full sense of the word. He could come home from work for a short time (fortunately, the work was 5-10 minutes from home) and quickly persuade her to have sexual contact. Sometimes at home, suddenly, for example, during dinner, he would put everything aside and literally pounce on his wife, while she did not have any sexual thoughts. The woman experienced severe discomfort, because, as a rule, she was not ready for such a sudden sexual intercourse, and by the time it ended, the excitement was just beginning to appear. This was the cause of frustration after intercourse. The woman's sexual desire was quite pronounced; in other situations, she could be well aroused and experience an orgasm. However, after a certain period of time, against the background of frustration, she began to notice that arousal ceased to occur even with a less sudden sexual intercourse, unpleasant sensations began to appear.
It happens that the need to prepare for sexual intercourse causes internal resistance in women and men. There are false sexual ideas, according to which it is believed that if partners love each other and are sexually attractive enough for each other, then sexual desire should arise by itself, spontaneously. It is also believed that real intercourse, really "correct" intercourse, which is an expression of true love and desire, should take place spontaneously, without any preparation.
This opinion is completely wrong. Any sexual act requires preparation, it may be conscious, it may be unconscious, but it should still be. And the most important preparation is the revival in the memory of past pleasant experiences. sexual relations. If there is no such experience, or worse, there is an unpleasant experience of sexual relations, the expectation of a “spontaneous” arousal and its smooth “spontaneous” increase up to orgasm usually ends in failure.
getting the same practical experience sexual reactions, satisfactory intimate relationships may require some work and effort. And most importantly - desires. Some help can be provided by fantasies, daydreams, the representation of various life situations.
Sometimes women dealing with sexual problems have inflated desires to receive a “magic pill” from a sexologist, recommendations that will immediately solve all their difficulties, or the hope that there is a way that allows you to immediately, without your own efforts and guaranteed to ensure the emergence of desire at any time and achieving orgasm with any sexual intercourse. It must be said frankly - in the sexual sphere it is impossible. A similar example can be given from the creative sphere. The ballerina, before entering the stage and performing her dance, the dance of love and high eroticism, for many years before that has been engaged in the most difficult, physical exercises, from time to time she repeats and perfects not at all erotic movements, and only then a magical, deeply sensual dance pattern. A similar situation occurs in sexual life, which largely consists of creativity.
A woman's lack of a quickly and spontaneously arising sexual desire in the right situation and a guaranteed orgasm does not mean that the partners are not sexually suitable for each other or that she is frigid. It is quite possible that the matter is simply in the lack of preparation for sexual intercourse, in the unwillingness to make any efforts to achieve what is desired, in the sexual incompetence of at least one of the partners.
Speaking about the desire for spontaneity, it should be said that everyone has a choice. Either the fruitless expectation of a “spontaneous” desire that should arise on its own, or be bestowed by someone from above, a doctor, a “real man”, at the sight of which women begin to tremble, etc. Such an alleged life scenario is called: “waiting by the sea good weather." Another way is sexual activity, bit by bit collecting positive experience of intimate relationships, discussing with a partner the desires, opportunities and difficulties of each, an attempt to synchronize sexual reactions of oneself and a partner. And then sexual satisfaction will be the inevitable result.
Here's an example:
A married couple asked for help after 5 years of marriage due to the dissatisfaction of his wife. The wife, let's call her Marina, said that this was her first marriage and first sexual partner. She married for love, her relationship with her husband is good. I experienced orgasm for the first time after 2 years of sexual activity. Since then, once every 3-4 months, if he makes a very big effort, he can reach an orgasm in an active position from above. She also noticed that in order to achieve orgasm, she needs sexual intercourse lasting 5-6 minutes, and her partner average duration sexual intercourse - 2-3 minutes. In this regard, in most cases, during intercourse, orgasm does not have time to experience, even though he tries. Therefore, there is not always a desire to make an effort. Has no experience of masturbation, the husband also does not use additional stimulation of the clitoris during intimate contact, they consider it unnatural. When discussing the situation of preparation for intimate contact, it turned out that the spouses live in the same room with a 3-year-old child, so sexual activity is conducted only after he falls asleep. This usually happens late, at about 24 o'clock, as the mother traditionally puts him to bed after the nanny leaves at 22 o'clock. By this time, the husband already wants to sleep (he is a lark), conducts sexual intercourse quickly, foreplay or other preparation for sexual intercourse is absent. Sexual intercourse begins when the husband already has an erection, and Marina's thoughts are still occupied with housework and she did not have time to reorganize. As a result, by the end of sexual intercourse, Marina is just beginning to get excited, but she cannot achieve orgasm.
This is a fairly common case of disharmonious sexual relations. A woman is able to experience an orgasm and even knows what it takes, but spouses cannot synchronize their sexual reactions. The duration of the husband's sexual intercourse cannot be called too short, and the wife, in fact, did not need a very long sexual intercourse to achieve orgasm. A mismatch of 2 minutes can be easily eliminated if certain conditions are met. Firstly, to reconsider the daily regimen, to put the child to bed earlier and earlier to start intimate contacts. Secondly, erotic foreplay before sexual intercourse can significantly shorten the frictional period necessary to achieve orgasm. Thirdly, a more active behavior of the wife during foreplay and sexual intercourse will speed up the solution of the problem.
What determines a woman's ability to experience an orgasm?
A feature of female sexuality is the instability of the orgasmic function.
Female sexuality develops and is realized according to its own laws, which are somewhat different from those according to which male sexuality is realized. First of all, it concerns orgasm. The female orgasm has some peculiarities.
First, this is the time of its appearance. Men begin to experience orgasm from the first ejaculation. Orgasm and ejaculation are usually inseparable. Women are somewhat different. The formation of the orgastic function is very relatively related to the period of puberty. The onset of the first menstruation (menarche) is by no means a sign of the ability to feel an orgasm. Some girls may have an orgasm even before menarche, but more often than not, the end of puberty does not mean that the brain structures responsible for orgasm are already mature. The process of "finalization" of the orgastic function ends later, sometimes much later. The impact on erogenous zones during intimate caresses, their stimulation during sexual intercourse greatly accelerates this process. Against the background of a regular sexual life, the ability to experience an orgasm is manifested. That is why in most cases, at the beginning of a sexual life, intimate contacts in a woman do not end with an orgasm. This phenomenon is completely normal, especially for women who have begun sexual activity at a young age.
In most cases, at the beginning of a woman's sexual life, there is a certain period during which the awakening of female sexuality occurs, its adaptation to the characteristics of the partner's sexuality (sexual adaptation in a couple), as well as the completion of the formation of the ability to experience orgasm. The first months or even years of sexual life, partners try various options for sexual interaction, caress, experiment. At the same time, sensitive erogenous zones are revealed, the most pleasant ways of influencing them, the woman's sensuality is awakened and aggravated. To awaken sensuality, it is important that intimate touches be carried out in an atmosphere of peace, relaxation. An appropriate emotional mood is needed, a love relationship between partners. Of great importance is the image of the partner, his sensitivity, interest in satisfying the partner, the ability to know and understand the specific female sexual needs, and attentive attitude towards them.
At the beginning of a sexual life, but often later, the main sexual need of a woman is not so much sexual activity (sexual intercourse) as erotic interaction (kissing, hugging), petting (kissing and stimulation of the breasts, nipples, etc.) Therefore, the partner must pay attention to these caresses and gradually move on to sexual intercourse, ensuring appropriate readiness for it.
Gradually, from the whole variety of intimate influences, the most effective and exciting ones are selected, and the woman gradually gains experience of pleasant, sexually colored sensations. Against this background, the first orgasm occurs.
However, it does not yet mean that the process of formation of mature sexuality in a woman is over. To stabilize the orgastic function, it usually takes some more time, during which a certain set and sequence of sexual influences are selected, leading to orgasm with great constancy. A so-called optimal sexual stereotype is developed. If at the first stages of sexual life foreplay, preparation for sexual intercourse took a lot of time, then after the development of an optimal sexual stereotype, their duration can be reduced, but they are not completely excluded. A very important and interesting question for many - during what period of regular sexual life should a woman acquire the ability to experience an orgasm during intimate contact? For how long is the absence of orgasm a normal, natural state, and when does it become a sexual disorder and is it advisable for a woman to seek help from specialists with this problem? What reasons can delay the ability to respond with an orgasm to sexual stimulation? What helps a woman to go through this period of "sexual adaptation" faster?
Most often, the focus is on the partner. There is a belief that a man bears full responsibility for the female orgasm, for the formation of a woman's ability to experience it. This is especially true for the first regular sexual partners and, of course, for husbands. Their role is really very great. The first sexual experience of a woman largely determines her attitude towards sexual life, gives the first ideas about her own sexuality, a feeling of self-confidence or self-doubt. In order for it to become a positive incentive for the further development of female sexuality and the full disclosure of its capabilities, the partner must have an idea about the characteristics of female sexuality, about some rules that must be observed. We will pay more attention to this in the second part of the book.
